


Six Letters

by pendaly, SpiralingDragon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs, Dissociation, Explicit Sexual Content, Flashbacks, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Found Family, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Mentions of Underage Sex, Minor Character Death, Multi, Pale Kink, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Relapse, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Sexual Slavery, Slavery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Young adults learning how to have healthy relationships, mentions of rape/non-con, pale BDSM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-01-26 00:25:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 33,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12544664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendaly/pseuds/pendaly, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralingDragon/pseuds/SpiralingDragon
Summary: Karkat has been in slavery for three sweeps. Gamzee, Eridan, Feferi, Tavros, Sollux, and Aradia have made attempts to free him, but none have worked until the asshole who owns him finally puts him back on the market. Seeing their chance, Sollux and Gamzee arrange the purchase to get Karkat back somewhere safe. Three sweeps in slavery, however, leaves its share of scars and trauma. This is the story of the five sweeps following Karkat's freedom and the bumps and dips along the way.





	1. Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> **[WARNING, PLEASE READ: Please be sure to thoroughly read the tags for this fic as it deals with very heavy content. While there is no explicit rape/non-con or underage sex in the fic, these topics are dealt with throughout the story in detail. The fic focuses heavily on recovery from the aftermath of slavery and rape at a young age. Please tread carefully and please inform us if we need to add any tags.]**  
> 
> This is a fic based on an RP that we started together over a year ago. Its over-arching story has meant a lot to the both of us throughout the years, so we're very excited to have started adapting it to fic-format. We would also like to thank [ghostmallows](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostmallows/pseuds/ghostmallows) for his help with editing this chapter.

Two thousand four hundred and forty-three nights.

He stopped counting after five hundred and thirty-seven.

On five hundred and thirty-seven, Karkat Vantas finally caved. On five hundred and thirty-seven, he broke down and couldn’t hold out hope that maybe someone was coming for him. On five hundred and thirty-seven, he gave up and admitted defeat.

The lights of the auction hive glowed dim over the audience and blinding on the stage where they illuminated his naked body for spectators to see. The lights would have made his eyes water translucent red if he dared look up into them, so perhaps it was a good thing that he kept his head down, eyes trained forward on the hardwood floor.

Voices chattered, filling the warehive to bursting with the idle prattle of highbloods bickering and barking laughter. The cacophony died down though as the announcer spoke up over the crowd.

“And next up we have a special prize tonight!” He proclaimed over the microphone, “This little blood-freak’s used, but his previous owner assured us he’s in fantastic condition! He’s trained to be obedient and responsive. Got a bit of a smart mouth though, so there’s a gag thrown in for whoever buys him!”

The crowd cackled and the announcer winked.

They laughed, but Karkat knew that a gag wasn’t necessary. Hydrus may have enjoyed it when he talked back at him, thought it was funny that he thought he could speak freely, that he believed anyone cared what he had to say, that his words even meant anything, but he knew the penalties of talking back to a superior. The gag became common with Hydrus. Whenever he couldn’t be trusted not to run his mouth, he was left with an uncomfortable mass of sturdy plastic between his teeth.

He would burn it if he could.

He did destroy several gags in the five hundred and thirty-seven nights before he gave up and retreated into the back of his head to run on autopilot for the rest of his life, to nurse his wounds and lock the world out. His remaining nights there seemed to pass by him in a blur. He’d tried to stop thinking so much, to just empty out his head and let the world spin past him. If he hadn’t known that he was being sold because Hydrus didn’t want to take him with him on this sweep’s ascension night, he might have thought it was his detachment that was responsible for his being resold.

“We’ll start the bidding at five hundred caegars! That’s five hundred caegars folks!”

It tugged at something in him to find himself hearing the same bidding as he did when he was first dragged away. He’d once dreamt of reaching this stage again. He’d dreamt that maybe he would return here fighting and defiant because he could not be broken. Instead he returned head hung low, shackles too heavy for him to fight any longer, unresponsive except when necessary for survival. Other trolls became blurred together. They were all the same. Orders became automatic. The amount of backtalk his previous master had enjoyed became a simple abstract algorithm in the back of his pan and soon even his own name became foreign to him. “Karkat” was just the sound that meant he was needed elsewhere. It was the series of letters that indicated him as property. The sound that meant he was in trouble or had work to do.

_Karkat, come here. Karkat, go change the slime. Bring me the switch, Karkat. Karkat, kneel down, would you? Spread your legs, Karkat. Karkat, come take the Ruffiannihilator to her block. Karkat, hold out your wrists. Karkat, open your mouth. Karkat, stand here. Karkat, sit there. Stay in the cellar, Karkat. Karkat, fetch me the gag. Karkat, stop. Karkat, no. Karkat, yes. Fuck, Karkat. Karkat…_

It’s just a set of six letters with two syllables like “kettle” or “pirate” or “killer” except that it’s Karkat and it refers to him instead of something else.

The prices rose quickly. Five hundred to a thousand to three thousand to four to five to eight. Who wanted to fuck the freak most? Who wanted to tame its sharp mouth? Who wanted to stitch its throat shut and make it silent too? Who wanted to own and use the six letters?

Then there began a lull. A blueblood in the fourth row had shouted for ten thousand. The rest of the block fell into quiet mumbles and the announcer paused a split-second, opening his mouth to determine the mutant sold.

“Twenty-five thousand!” Barked a voice from the back row and Karkat’s blood ran seadweller cold. He recognized that voice.

The block rang with the sudden silence following the enormously high offer.

“Going once? Going twice? Sold to the gentletroll in the back! Papers can be signed ‘round back. And next up we have-…”

Karkat could feel his pusher hammering in his thoracic cavity. He knew that voice. The lilting of words, the soft slurring of letters into each other. He finally looked up from the floor of the stage as one of the handlers began dragging him off. He stared out into the audience, searching for the owner of that all too familiar voice. His digestion sac knotted and threatened to come up out of his throat for the panicked worry pulsing through his pan, echoing over and over again, “Gamzee knows me. He knows how to break whatever’s left.”

He struggled momentarily against the handlers hauling him from the stage, aiming to see if he could spot the troll he’d once called his moirail. A sharp clap over the horns from one of the two handlers quickly snapped him back into submission, and like clockwork he wound down and allowed them to guide him from the hot stage lights and back towards one of the cells held in the rear of the auction hive.

As they guided him back towards the cell he’d been confined to for the last night, Karkat’s pan raced. What had three sweeps done that Gamzee now came to these auction hives? If Karkat was good for him would he spare whatever was left? Would he hurt him? Break him? Would he even care if Gamzee decided to break him? Did he really hear Gamzee’s voice out there or was he just going completely insane?

The rear of the auction hive reeked of waste and vomit and the body odor of slaves kept here too long without proper care. The stench wrapped around his throat, constricting and burning as he was forced back into a temporary holding cell where he curled up against the cool, grime-covered wall for reprieve from the humid heat of too many bodies packed in too close together. He wrapped his arms around his bare legs and buried his face in his knees, knobby fingers tangling in the mess of curly hair that draped down to brush over his shoulders.

He didn’t look up when he heard the six letters.

“Karkat.”

It came firm and commanding from a voice that he remembered so much gentler and he flinched, slowly beginning to unfurl himself, eyes remaining downcast to watch Gamzee’s feet rather than dare to look up at his face.

“Get to your feet. We’re leavin’ now.”

Karkat nodded and stood, revealing his frail body, even more sickening without the lights of the stage washing out the hollows between his bones. His hips jutted out where they’d once supported the fat that covered his stomach. Each of his ribs now shone through his skin which sank around his collarbones when he hunched his shoulders just right. Upon the skin stretched too tight over his clavicles sat a clunky metal collar which bumped and dug into his skin, leaving red bruises and scabs over his throat.

A cold, slender hand wrapped around his upper arm and began to guide him from the cell, out into the corridor lined with the misery of other slaves.

“Go out the door at the end a’ the hallway. Buggy ain’t too far from there.”

Karkat dipped his head once at the order and allowed Gamzee to decide exactly how close to keep him. Gamzee’s hand on his arm kept him tucked right up against him as he followed his instructions, making his way towards the end of the hall to the back exit one step at a time. Just follow his orders and maybe he’ll be rewarded. Maybe some remainder of any affection Gamzee once held for him would keep him safe.

_Or perhaps it would only be the nail in his coffin._

When they arrived at the door in the back of the auction hive, Gamzee’s other hand reached forward to push it open with a long _creeeaaak_ and Karkat’s squinted eyes relaxed in the dark night sky, the harsh of the indoor lighting gone behind him as he was guided out onto the street and up to a scuttlebuggy big enough for two. Gamzee released his arm, leaving a chill where his hand kept ahold of him. In that moment, Karkat let his eyes fall shut, breathing in the crisp night air and pretending for a moment that everything was normal. That everything was fine.

The sound of Gamzee opening the passenger door of the buggy snapped him out of his fantasy and his eyes returned to their downcast position as Gamzee leaned down to pick something up. He couldn’t get a good look at whatever it was, even as it was carried over to him out of the peripheries of his vision, for he didn’t dare to look up at Gamzee while he went about whatever business he needed to attend to. When Gamzee approached him directly with arms outstretched, Karkat glanced up only momentarily, long enough to notice that he was seemingly being offered a folded pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

When Gamzee spoke this time, it wasn’t with the same firmness or command that his voice possessed inside the auction hive, “Here, Karkat. Y’shouldn’t be bare like that.”

It was a trick. It had to be. Highbloods liked that sort of thing. They liked painting their slaves into a corner where regardless of their actions they could be punished. Accepting the clothes from him meant he believed he deserved them and was punishable for arrogance and not knowing his place. Refusing the clothes meant he was disobedient and ungrateful. He simply stared, breath picking up as he tried to determine which punishment would be worse, being retaught his place, or being retaught obedience. He found himself lost a split-second too long in his turmoil and winced when Gamzee spoke again, expecting reprimand or a strike across the face for wasting his time.

“Hey, m’gonna touch you now, alright?” And again, all the harshness is gone from his voice and his hands lift slowly, as if he were actually asking permission to touch him rather than just exercising his right to Karkat’s body.

He clenched his eyes shut as he felt the cool pads of Gamzee’s fingers brush over his cheeks where the straps of the gag in his mouth met his cheeks. They travelled back around his head to unlatch the gag and pull it out of his mouth so sickeningly gently. Karkat opened his mouth wider to allow Gamzee to remove the gag before shifting his sore jaw back and forth, working the feeling back into the joint before letting his mouth fall shut to suck away built up drool from his lips.

He furrowed his eyebrows when the hollow bouncing of the plastic gag on the pavement alerted him to the fact that Gamzee had simply thrown the gag on the ground rather than keeping it for later.

“Sorry, Karkat, but you should probably get yourself all motherfuckin’ dressed. Don’t fancy bein’ here any longer’n necessary.” Gamzee offered Karkat the clothes again, this time with more urgency, “I can turn my back if it’ll make a motherfucker more comfortable.

He stared down at the clothes offered to him again and this time hesitantly nodded and followed the order, reaching out to take the clothes and letting his eyes dart up to Gamzee’s face, just to check that he was doing what was expected of him. When he saw no obvious malice behind Gamzee’s paint, he hurriedly unfolded the top article of clothing – a loose pair of sweatpants – and slid into them, pulling the drawstring tight to keep them from sliding down his malnourished hips. With the same urgency, Karkat felt along the black shirt still in his hands for the bottom, pulling it on over his head and looking down at himself. Still, he couldn’t fathom quite why Gamzee had decided to gift him with these clothes, especially when Gamzee appeared not to care that he’d demonstrated he thought he deserved them when he clearly didn’t.

These clothes weren’t flattering, they didn’t accentuate his features in any ways that might make him appear more desirable, they didn’t inhibit his movement or ability to run or fight back in any way, they didn’t even bear Gamzee’s sign and yet Gamzee smiled at him without even a hint of cruelty in his features. He could feel the question of “why” tugging at the back of his throat, but questioning his new owner was never a good idea if he wanted to avoid a beating.

Was he even permitted speech now? Hydrus had enjoyed his backtalk and even encouraged it to a certain degree for its entertainment value. With Gamzee, Karkat had no idea what the ground rules might be, so for the first time he opened his mouth to address his new master.

“Permission to speak, sir?”

Immediately, Karkat’s digestion sac sank in his gut. The smile Gamzee had sported faded and he braced himself for some sort of reprimand, some sort of strike. Please not out here on the street. Please not with nowhere to lick his wounds alone when it was over and done with.

Instead of the crack of a hand over his cheek or the barking chastisement he’d been expecting, Gamzee only spoke with the overtones of worry playing on his tongue, “A’ course, Karkat. You don’t gotta ask permission or call me sir or nothin’.” He then held out a hand to gesture to the buggy, “Mind if we talk while we’re movin’? It’s gettin’ real motherfuckin’ late an’ I don’t wanna be gettin’ my fight on with another motherfucker out lookin’ at whiskin’ you away again.”

Of course. He was slowing Gamzee down. He quickly nodded his head and made his way towards the buggy to climb in, “Of course, sir- I mean- I’m sorry for slowing you down. It won’t happen again.” He’ll likely be punished for his slowness and inability to follow orders later. He made note of Gamzee’s preference of title, though now he didn’t know what he was meant to call him. Swallowing back the lump of fear building in his throat, Karkat seated himself in the passenger seat of the buggy. He didn’t want his once-moirail to hurt him. He’d clung tight to fond memories of his friends through his time with Hydrus. He didn’t want those memories tarnished by the inevitable pain Gamzee would inflict on him to train him.

Gamzee climbed into the other seat of the buggy and Karkat cleared his throat before speaking up, “May I ask what you want me to call you?” It briefly occurred to him that perhaps he’d been purchased to talk back. They’d advertised him as having a smart mouth and a bit of fire left in him after all. He steeled himself, taking a deep breath and preparing for pain before speaking again, “Or should I just call you fuckface from here on out?”

He waited for a slap across the face, a hand around his throat, _anything._

All that came, though, was a chuckle as Gamzee started the buggy up, “Ain’t like you never called me that before.” The bug jolted to a start and began scuttling on down the street on autopilot, “You can jus’ be callin’ me by my name if you want. I ain’t real picky ‘bout it.”

“Yes, Gamzee.”

Silence reigned in the bug. Karkat stayed tucked up into his seat, sitting on his hands and making every effort to take up as little space as possible and trying to ignore the way Gamzee stared at him from time to time before turning to gaze out the window again.

Seemingly out of nowhere Gamzee broke the silence, clearing his throat and picking at the hem of his t-shirt, “Sorry.”

Karkat blinked and glanced up almost incredulously.

“I know it don’t make up for three sweeps a’ lost time, but I am sorry it took so long to find you, Karkat.”

Oh.

So, he was trying for the sweet tactic, then. Trying to convince Karkat that he could trust him, get him to open up so that he could use everything inside him to break whatever resistance might be left.

“I’m grateful you bought me.” It was the only safe thing he could think to say. Don’t open up. Don’t budge. He’s just the six-letter word Karkat, continue to _act_ like the six-letter word Karkat and what remains of himself won’t be able to be shattered. Be the perfect possession.

He couldn’t place the expression that spread over Gamzee’s face after he spoke and that left him on edge. The rest of the ride passed in relative silence. Karkat kept his feet pulled up against the front of his seat and stared out the window as the stemcluster passed by for about an hour before pulling up to a temporary hivestem.

The scuttle crawled to a stop out in front of the structure and Gamzee glanced over at Karkat in the now-complete silence left by the bug shutting down into standby, “I’m gonna check us in. You gonna be okay alone out here?”

“I’m not going to run away.” He knew better than to run from someone more powerful than him. He’d tried running away from Hydrus before and it was only ever hours before he was tracked down and dragged kicking and screaming back to the estate.

Again, that look he couldn’t place settled on Gamzee’s face before he stood and exited the buggy with a soft, “Be right back, bro” Leaving Karkat properly alone for the first time since he’d been sold by his previous master. Nobody around to watch him or look at him or toss him about. He let out a shaky breath as soon as Gamzee had vanished from sight and just stared down at his lap.

_Be right back, bro._

Just that last syllable shook him. Bro. That was a friendly thing, right? For the first time since the auction hive, the possibility crossed his mind ever so briefly, that perhaps Gamzee didn’t buy him to break him. Why would he buy him if not to use and destroy him still felt like a huge question mark to him, and that unknown had him on edge. Maybe he was reading too much into it. It was just Gamzee’s pattern of speech. He probably hadn’t meant anything by it at all.

By the time Gamzee returned to the scuttle and climbed back into the driver’s side, Karkat had settled back into himself and returned to resignation.

“Alright, we’re gonna be stayin’ here for the day, an’ tomorrow evenin’ we’re gonna hit the road again. We’re gonna head for my hive. I hope that’s okay with you. I got some a’ your old shit. Got most a’ your movies an’ books out ‘fore they wrecked your old hive. Crabdad up an’ motherfuckin’ smashed your husktop though. Couldn’t find your palmhusk either, but I got an extra one back at the hive a brother can use.”

Static.

Karkat turned his head to stare at Gamzee, confusion written across his features. Was this some sort of trick to make him believe he was worth something only to break him down and break him in again? Why did Gamzee care whether he was okay with going back to his hive? Why did he bother keeping his old things? Was this some way of trying to justify using Karkat to himself? If he treated him like a person then it was acceptable to hurt him? Or was this something more sinister? Was this to get his hopes up, make him believe he was being rescued, only to drop him back down to exactly where he’d been before, even less himself than he already was?

“Bro?”

And there it was again. That word. Friendly and sweet and meant for a person, not a thing. Karkat found himself at a loss for words, just staring at Gamzee dumbstruck.

“What?”

A frown settled over Gamzee’s features at the question and he started to repeat himself, “We’re gonna stay at the hotel for the day an’ tomorrow we’re gonna go back to my hive where I got some a’ your stuff. You can take it an’ go after that if ya want, or you can stay with me, or you could go stay with Sollux if that’s more your speed.”

It had to be a trap. It couldn’t be so simple as Gamzee wanting to set him free. There was no way. He was supposed to be property. Gamzee had bought him. Was this a test to see if he was loyal to his new master? It had to be.

“I’ll stay with you.”

Gamzee’s face lit up as the scuttle pulled into a parking space behind the temporary hivestem, “You don’t gotta if you don’t wanna, y’know? But it’ll be nice t’have ya ‘round if you’re all motherfuckin’ serious on it, brother.”

It had to be a trap, “I’m happy to stay with you.”

Gamzee powered down the scuttle and offered a wide painted smile that lit up his whole face, “Bitchtits, motherfucker. I got a block all set up an’ ready for ya when we get there.”

Karkat nodded, still reeling and trying to place Gamzee’s motives, “Thank you.”

The doors of the scuttle buggy opened and the two of them climbed out, Karkat following quietly and obediently behind Gamzee, eyes downcast as they made their way up to the front door of their block. Gamzee held the door open for him and followed Karkat into the block before locking it behind them, double-checking the lock and turning back to Karkat, looking him over thoughtfully.

He wanted to shrink under his gaze, wanted to curl up, hide himself under a rug.

“Let’s get that collar off a’ you.”

Karkat stared at him blankly. He couldn’t be serious. This was all just an elaborate setup of traps and tricks trying to get him to slip up on something, to make a punishable mistake. It had to be a setup so that when they arrived back at Gamzee’s hive he could punish him for every transgression he’s made thus far, yet Gamzee still hasn’t laid a hostile finger upon him.

Gamzee began to tentatively approach Karkat who backed up slowly as Gamzee’s hands reached up for the collar around his throat. If he let him take it, there would be pain later. It may be heavy and painful now, but if he didn’t endure it there would be worse later.

That look from earlier returned over Gamzee’s face, the one he couldn’t place, the one that made his digestion sac churn with how nervous it left him not knowing what was wrong. Gamzee stopped in his tracks and Karkat’s breath hitched in his throat as his back hit the wall, eyes darting back and forth in a momentary lapse in judgement, searching for some sort of opening in the hopes that maybe he could find some way out of whatever Gamzee had planned for him.

“Brother,” He muttered, eyebrows furrowed deeply, “You want me to get that motherfuckin’ collar off?”

Oh god yes, he wanted it gone. How could he not? This was a curveball though. Just like the offer of clothes. Just like asking if he wanted to stay with him. This was question mark after question mark after question mark and he had no clue what to make of it. He felt all twisted up inside. How was he supposed to know what was right if Gamzee kept testing him without giving him punishment or praise afterwards? How was he supposed to learn what was acceptable when Gamzee refused to train him?

“Bro, I ain’t gonna hurt you. I just wanna get that collar off a’ you. Getcha lookin’ a bit more like a proper person.”

“What do you want from me? Just- Just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it.”

Gamzee frowned, moving very slowly, hands raised as if approaching a cornered animal, “Alls I want is to make sure a brother don’t get hurt again.” Gamzee’s right hand reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, slowly holding it out in plain sight so that Karkat could see it, “Let me get that motherfuckin’ collar off a’ you, alright?”

Karkat stared at him and it just didn’t compute, except that last sentence. That one was an order. He nodded slowly and tipped his head back, baring his throat so that Gamzee could get at the collar. Maybe he just wanted to put a different, prettier collar on him. He may not entirely understand Gamzee’s motives, but he wasn’t stupid enough to disobey a direct order. The collar opened up with a soft _“click!”_ of the key turning and Gamzee pulled the bulky thing from around Karkat’s throat where bruises and red scrapes over his neck and clavicles hid.

The collar clipped shut again and Gamzee pressed it into one of Karkat’s palms, “Ain’t nobody your master anymore, bro. Why don’t you go get cleaned up. Betcha ain’t had a shower in a while.”

Karkat’s chin tipped back down in an attempt to cover his throat, feeling too vulnerable with it bared like that, reminding him of every time a hand had yanked his head back and left him panicking in fear for his life. He stared down at the collar in his hand and blinked, glancing nervously up at Gamzee and then back down at the collar, “What should I do with it?”

“Whatever ya want,” He shrugged, “Keep it, toss it, smash it with a rock, ain’t a motherfuckin’ thing to me.”

Karkat nodded slowly. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with it, but he certainly didn’t want to look at it anymore sitting in his palm with flecks of his own dried mutant blood clinging to the inside of it. His eyes continuously darted up to Gamzee’s face, concerned with whether he could move without permission. He eventually took a single step towards the ablution block and glanced up again at Gamzee, making sure that this was okay before making his way to the door and pausing with his hand on the doorknob, “How long may I use the ablution trap?”

“As long as ya need.”

He nodded slowly. There was no right answer. Every answer had to be wrong. Thinking he deserved the ablution trap at all had to be somehow the incorrect answer to a test, but he needed it. He was grimy and disgusting and unappealing in every way right now. He decided to fail the test. He opened the door and hid the collar away in one of the cabinets, turning to look over his shoulder out the ablution block door at Gamzee to see if he was still watching, if he disapproved of his actions. To his surprise, Gamzee had stopped watching entirely and begun to go about pulling out the temporary respite platform, seemingly paying no attention to his slave at all.

The tension in his shoulders lessened with all attention shifted elsewhere and he began stripping out of the clothes Gamzee lent him, piling them up on the floor and then turning on the ablution trap, waiting for the water to warm up and stepping in, leaving the door open all the while. He sighed and let his stress and anxiety over everything melt away for just a few minutes while he let water rinse dirt and grime and dried blood from his body. He scrubbed soap into his hair and all over his body, dripping a murky brown into the bottom of the trap. Eventually, the water ran clear and for a short time he let himself enjoy the feeling of water pounding at sore knotted muscles. He couldn’t stay here forever, though. He sighed and turned the water off, stepping out of the ablution trap and onto the mat on the floor. He stopped there, unsure as to whether he was allowed to dry himself off or put the clothes Gamzee had given him back on.

“Gamzee?”

There was a hum from somewhere outside the ablution block, “Whatcha need, brother?”

“May I put on my clothes again?”

A long pause.

“A’ course ya can. They’re yours now, got it? Can’t have a motherfucker runnin’ around all naked an’ indecent, can we?”

Karkat nodded even though he knew Gamzee couldn’t see it from wherever he was, scrambling to pull on his clothes again. The fabric clung uncomfortably to his still-wet skin and his still-dripping hair soaked the back of his shirt. He emerged from the ablution block, not bothering to retrieve the collar unless told to. Gamzee had said that he could do whatever he wanted with it.

He stopped in the middle of the block though when he caught sight of himself in the mirror and he almost didn’t recognize himself so clean, with a bare neck, battered where his collar once rested, dressed in clean, casual clothes he hadn’t been permitted in three sweeps. Across the block, Gamzee sat in the corner of the upright temporary respite platform, the glow of a palmhusk lighting up his painted face.

He looked up from his palmhusk and smiled at the sight of Karkat clean and dripping wet, soaked through his clothes. “Y’look good, Karkat,” He snickered, “Y’look motherfuckin’ good. It’s gettin’ late, let’s up an’ getcha settled into the ‘coon for the day, how ‘bout it?”

“You’re… going to let me sleep in the ‘coon?”

“A’ course?” Gamzee frowned, “Ya had a longass night, bro. Longass three sweeps. Sounds like you could use a motherfuckin’ good day’s sleep after all the shit you been puttin’ up with.”

Karkat eyed the ‘coon. It would feel so nice to crawl into the slime and just let it wash away all the worry and dayterrors he’s grown so accustomed to. He turned his gaze back to Gamzee who, at least thus far, hadn’t punished him for following orders and taking him up on the offers he made, though in the back of his head Karkat still suspected it would all backfire soon.

“You’re sure I can sleep in the ‘coon?”

“Absolutely.”

“Where are you gonna sleep?”

Gamzee shrugged, “I’m fine on the bed. Ain’t slept in slime in a while anyhow.”

Nodding slowly, Karkat made his way tentatively towards the ‘coon and took a deep breath. If he was failing all these tests, then Gamzee would just punish him later, he’d learn what was expected, and then follow those rules as best he could. This was his training. He kept telling himself that it would only be temporary punishment for breaking rules he doesn’t know. It was the only way he could let himself pull off the clothes Gamzee had lent him and climb up into the ‘coon, sinking down into the green sludge with a contented sigh. His eyes drifted shut as the warmth and comforting chemical scent surrounded him for the first time in ages. The effects of the slime were almost immediate and when he opened his eyes to look at Gamzee, they appeared glazed over with the soporific qualities of the goop encasing his entire body. His eyelids felt so heavy and they drooped closed on the sight of Gamzee settling into the respite platform.

* * *

When Karkat awoke, the warm light of the pink moon overhead came filtering in through the blinds in the window, though the sky outside remained tinted pink with the last streaks of sunlight over the horizon. Early evening, then. He glanced over his surroundings, eyes adjusting to the brightness of the block. Slowly, the previous night’s events returned to him piece by piece. Across the block, Gamzee lay sprawled out over the respite platform snoring in his sleep.

A spike of guilt shot through him as Karkat watched Gamzee sleep there with no slime. A whole night had passed and Gamzee had not once punished him, had gifted him with clothing, removed his collar, given him the recuperacoon and taken the platform for himself instead, and what had Karkat given him in return? He felt a knot forming in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps Gamzee was waiting for him to understand what he owed.

Slowly and quietly, Karkat rose from the slime, letting the excess slide off his skin and back into the ‘coon. only some of it sticking to his hair where his head had tipped over into the thick green sludge. He carefully placed one bare foot and then the other onto the carpeted floor. Silently, Karkat made his way across the block to where Gamzee lay sleeping and crawled up onto the platform with him.

He didn’t want to do this.

He didn’t think of Gamzee that way, but what else did he have to give? Gamzee had treated him graciously thus far and the only logical conclusion Karkat could reach was that he was expected to pay his kindness back. With a deep breath, he moved to settle on his front between Gamzee’s legs, pushing his shirt up and lowering his head to leave slow open-mouthed kisses over Gamzee’s abdomen, carefully keeping his teeth away from his cool skin while he slept. If he didn’t think about it, this was easy; if he just let habit guide him, he could do it. He hooked his thumbs in the waist of Gamzee’s pants and began to drag them down his narrow bony hips. He stared down at Gamzee’s bare sheath, steeling himself before closing his eyes and lowering his head to press his lips against the slit where his bulge would emerge and sucking, pressing his tongue against it.

Almost immediately Gamzee’s eyes drifted open and for a moment nothing seemed to happen, but then he blinked and frowned before realizing exactly what that feeling on his sheath was and scrambling to a sitting position, hands fumbling with his pants, pulling them back up over his hips and staring at Karkat, horror plastered over his face.

“Kar- bro what- what are you _doin’?”_ Gamzee asked, voice rough with the remnants of sleep clinging to him.

“I-” Karkat grasped for words while alarms sounded and red flags rose high in the back of his pan, “I thought you wanted- I’m sorry, I’m- I thought you wanted me to- I had nothing else-”

Gamzee reached out to gently take one of Karkat’s shaking hands in his own, only to frown at the way he flinched away from the touch, as if expecting to be burned. He let go of his hand again and pressed his lips together in thought, choosing his words carefully, “Bro, I ain’t want nothin’ like that from you.” He picked up the blanket he’d been sleeping under and draped it around Karkat’s bare shoulders, “Why’d you all start thinkin’ a motherfucker’d want such a thing?”

Clutching at the edge of the blanket, Karkat curled into himself, trying to find the words to explain, “You- I’ve been so difficult, and you keep being good to me and gentle with me and I thought- I thought that maybe you were waiting for me to pay you back. You haven’t punished me for being slow or arrogant or disobedient yet, so there had to be something I was supposed to do to make up for how bad I’ve been if you weren’t punishing me.”

“Oh, Karkat.”

He curled tighter around himself. This was it. He was finally going to be punished and reprimanded. He clenched his eyes shut and lowered his head, readying himself for whatever cruelties Gamzee might have in store for him.

“Karkat, please look at me,” And it didn’t sound like an order. It sounded _pleading._

He lifted his head and met Gamzee’s eyes.

“I don’t want a damn thing from you, understand? You don’t gotta do shit for me. Ain’t gotta earn it, ain’t gotta do so much’s lift a damn finger. All I want from you is for you to work on makin’ your own self up an’ motherfuckin’ happy. I ain’t gonna punish you. Ain’t nobody gonna punish you like that again.”

Karkat stared at him, stuttering and chattering almost to himself, “You- you bought me, though. I’m supposed to-”

“Beloved,” Gamzee breathed and it sounded like an accident, something sweet that slipped out when he wasn’t watching.

Yet that single, accidental word sent a twinge through his pusher and it _hurt._ It hurt like a happy ending.

He didn’t realize he’d started crying until Gamzee reached a hand up to his cheek, “Can I touch you?”

Karkat nodded without breaking eye contact as Gamzee’s thumb brushed gently over his warm skin, wiping away translucent red from his cheeks.

“Brother, talk to me. Please.”

His voice caught in his throat, his breathing coming raspy and heavy, “Why did you buy me?”

For a few moments there was only silence before Gamzee sighed, “I thought that much was up an’ motherfuckin’ obvious, brother. Took us a while, but Sollux- he managed to track you down. Couldn’t get t’you at first, but with the damn place underwater only Eridan an’ Fef could try gettin’ in there. They went back over an’ over again an’ couldn’t find ya, place was a fuckin’ maze. Said it kept changin’ every time they went back. Soon’s we saw you were up for sale, well… we weren’t about to let a brother get snatched away a second time.” His eyes dropped to the floor, “I’m real motherfuckin’ sorry we were so late. Wish we could a’ gotten you outta there sooner.”

When Karkat spoke again, it came out a disbelieving whisper, “You tried to find me.”

“We _did_ find you,” Gamzee mumbled, “Jus’ couldn’t get to ya.”

Breathing became so difficult. It came in shaky, whistling breaths as he tried to control it, keep everything at bay because he could feel all of it waiting to eat him alive. He kept opening his mouth as if to try speaking, but nothing came out and he gripped tighter at the blanket around his shoulders and now that his number one priority was no longer simply _survive,_ everything seemed to come crashing down on him at once.

Gamzee had come to rescue him.

This wasn’t a purchase. This was his three sweeps late rescue mission. He was- well he wasn’t free exactly, but he was something close to it, and that filled him with all sorts of confused feelings bubbling up inside him. He took several deep breaths, trying to pull himself back together enough to breathe properly and start to think about this in a way that wasn’t scattered and fragmented.

“What can I do for ya, Karkat?”

He shook his head and forced himself to sit up straight, adjusting the blanket around himself, “I’m okay, I’m-” He forced back everything threatening to spill out. He was _not_ okay and he knew it, and Gamzee likely knew it too, but he couldn’t- He couldn’t think about this right now, it just wasn’t processing.

It took him longer than he wanted it to for him to regain control of himself. When he did finally reign in all that emotion, he spoke up again, “Permission to sp- I mean- fuck-” And all over again he wanted to scream and sob and drive his fist through a wall.

He gripped his hands in his hair and took a slow deep breath in an attempt to get himself under control again before speaking up more slowly this time, “Are we leaving soon?”

Gamzee smiled at Karkat, eyes crinkling up around the corners as he spoke, “Yeah, bro. We can head out whenever you motherfuckin’ need.”

He nodded his head and loosened his grip on the blanket around his shoulders. This was going to be a very difficult process. “Okay. Thank you.”

“A’ course. C’mon, let’s get a brother into some motherfuckin’ clothes an’ hit the road. Got food back at the hive.” With that Gamzee stood from the edge of the platform and made his way towards the ‘coon where the clothes Karkat had worn the previous night lay crumpled. He picked up the clothes and shook them out before returning them to Karkat who immediately dropped the blanket from around his shoulders to stand and begin pulling his clothes back on, unaware of the way Gamzee went purple in the ears and turned to give him privacy.

With his clothes back on, Karkat stood up straight and brushed himself off. For a moment all he did was breathe, bracing himself for the nights to come. Eventually, he gave himself a firm nod, “I’m ready.”

A smile spread over Gamzee’s face as he turned around to see his friend standing a little taller, looking a little more like a person than he had since he’d first seen him again up on that stage, “Alright. Let’s get our mosey right on outta this bitch.” He picked up his meager bag of necessities and headed for the door, Karkat following close behind with renewed vigor.

As soon as the door swung open, though, it immediately slammed shut again, eliciting a startled jump from Karkat.

Gamzee’s jaw clenched tight under his sleep-scuffed face paint and he mumbled a gruff curse under his breath.

“What’s going on?” Karkat whispered from behind him.

"It’s the blue from the auction hive what up an’ wanted ya.” Gamzee muttered and from his belt, unclipped one of his clubs, twirling it with practiced ease in his right hand as the left cracked the door open again, “Stay back, brother. Don’t want you tangled up in this unrighteous motherfuckin’ bullshit.”

Scowling and gripping his club tighter in one hand, Gamzee threw open the door and stalked towards the blueblood who smiled and stood her ground.

“Markara, right?” She said, voice velvety smooth, “I’d like to negotiate for the mutant.”

“He ain’t for sale.”

She laughed, sticky and sweet, “You just haven’t been offered the right price yet. My clients are willing to make quite the deal for him.”

Karkat’s digestion sac dropped, peeking through the crack between the door and the wall. He wasn’t worth this trouble.

“Mother _fucker_ don’t make me repeat myself.”

“Look, Makara,” She said with a roll of her eyes, “We’ll just take him for a night, won’t damage him or leave any scars, he’ll come back in perfect condition and we’re willing to pay a _hefty_ sum for just-”

The snarl Gamzee let out had Karkat turning and pressing himself back up against the wall, even knowing it was in his own defense.

“You ain’t gonna lay a filthy motherfuckin’ finger on him, an’ if I ever see your blue mug again, I’ll show ya how the church makes our paint.”

From behind the door all Karkat could hear was strained silence.

“Fine.” And then the sound of heels clicking on pavement as the blueblood walked away, “But don’t count on this being the last you hear from my employers.”

The clicking eventually faded and then stopped altogether, followed by the softer padding of Gamzee’s slippers approaching the door and easing it open. Upon seeing Karkat curled up against the wall beside the door, Gamzee offered a sagging smile and a hand up, “C’mon. Let’s get the motherfuck outta here. Don’t fancy meetin’ any a’ her “clients” or whatever nasty unrighteous motherfuckers she hangs ‘round.”

Karkat took Gamzee’s hand and got to his feet, following beside him back to the buggy, “Should have just given me back. Would have been easier.”

“No.”

He flinched at Gamzee’s short, clipped response.

“You ain’t property t’be handed ‘round an’ played with.” He opened the passenger door for Karkat, letting him climb in, “You’re important. To me, to every motherfucker up an’ callin’ you their friend. Should be to yourself, too.”

Quietly, Karkat buckled himself up into the buggy and folded his hands in his lap, “The Empire says I’m property.”

Gamzee climbed into the other side of the bug and it started up again, “Well, the Empire ain’t always right.”

He opened his mouth to refute him, convinced, if only for a moment, that this was another test, that maybe everything was just an act to get him to say treasonous things so that he could be culled when they finally reached Gamzee’s hive. He closed his mouth, thinking to himself, _would a cull sentence be so bad if it were at the hands of someone I call Friend?_

* * *

The sight of Gamzee’s hive evoked a certain dread in the pit of Karkat’s digestion sac. The scuttle slowed to a stop before the beach hive, and Gamzee climbed out of his side of the scuttle with a grin, “C’mon in.”

Karkat followed him out of the bug and up to the front door of the hive which towered over them. This felt like some moment of truth, as if entering this hive might be the turning point where all the kindness Gamzee’s shown him over the last night turned out to be fake. As if the moment he entered that hive, the door would slam shut and he’d be forced back into himself for survival.

The door did not slam shut behind him.

Instead, Gamzee stepped out of the way to let Karkat in and closed the door, the lock letting out a soft _”click!”_

“Welcome home, Karkat.”

He froze and nodded, stiff and sick.

_Welcome home, Karkat. Best get used to this place. You won’t be leaving for a very long time._

“Want me to show a motherfucker his block? Got it set up all nice for ya.”

He jerked at the sound of Gamzee’s voice, head whipping around to see the source of his surprise, pusher hammering hard in his chest before starting to process what he’d been asked. He gave a slow nod of his head.

Gamzee tentatively reached out for Karkat’s hand, waiting for him to take it before guiding him back towards the hallway.

The feeling of cold skin in his palm easily compelled Karkat to keep pace, following close behind so as not to slow Gamzee down. The hive remained just as messy as Karkat remembered it being so long ago in those few visits he’d had with his moirail when they were young. Now, though, clubs and splatters of paint littered the floor and walls rather than the silly honking horns and sopor pies he remembered scattered throughout the building. Eventually, they came to a door at the end of a hall he recognized as the door to the empty block Gamzee had shoved anything he didn’t know what to do with into, though he’d seemed to never know quite what to do with _anything,_ leaving his things strewn about the hive carelessly. He supposed that now _he_ was the something Gamzee didn’t know quite what to do with then.

Gamzee stepped out of the way of the door and nodded towards the block, “Go on.” A crooked smile pulled nervously at the corner of his mouth.

Karkat glanced up at him before reaching one hesitant hand out for the doorknob and turning it, swinging the door open to a perfectly neat block. Against the far wall stood a recuperacoon, accompanied by a small desk and chair. When his eyes came to rest on the wall to the right of the recuperacoon, he could feel tears gathering. There, on an overcrowded, lopsided bookshelf, sat his old collection of movies and novels.

“So?” Gamzee asked, “Is It okay?”

“Is this… for me?”

“Well yeah, bro,” Gamzee fidgeted with his claws, “Couldn’t have ya comin’ back with no place to be callin’ your own.”

Karkat took a few steps into the block, digging his bare toes into the carpet and making his way towards the closed closet, turning to Gamzee for approval before sliding it open and blinking at the sight of his old sweaters and pants hanging almost neatly – aside from the mismatched hangers – in the closet. On a dresser tucked into the corner beneath the sweaters sat a box with a note on top.

_BoOkS i TrIeD rEaDiNg :oP_

He let out a short, amused laugh as he opened up the box to find some of his old ridiculous pale romance novels, both of which he remembered playing heavily into the cutesy domestic tropes. Gently replacing the lid on the box, Karkat turned to look back at Gamzee who beamed at him.

“Nice to hear a motherfucker up an’ gettin’ his laugh on again. Most righteous a’ music the messiahs ever gone an’ let a pair a ears get a listenin’ onto.”

A flush spread across Karkat’s cheeks and he turned back to the closet, pointing up to the sweaters, “Can I wear these?” His hand hovered just over one of the sleeves, as if some invisible barrier kept him from actually touching them. Taking something without permission was theft and meant no meals for the next night.

“They’re yours, bro. Everythin’ livin’ in this block’s yours. You don’t gotta ask for none of it. This shit’s all for you.”

“Holy shit,” He breathed and hurriedly pulled the sweater off the hanger and over his head which popped out through the neck. Where his sweaters once fit perfectly, they now hung loose around knobby wrists and hollows in his clavicles.

“Oh!” Gamzee’s eyebrows shot up and he grinned, leaning against the doorframe and pointing towards the desk, “Check the top desk drawer. Got somethin’ I think you’ll like in there.”

The desk drawer rolled open to reveal a small palmhusk. A few scratches marred the surface of the screen, but when Karkat turned it on, it lit up and displayed a simple default lockscreen.

“Sorry it’s so old an’ shitty. I didn’t think ‘bout it ‘til the other night so it’s just my old one, but Sollux said he’s got a husktop comin’ for ya! Said it’d be arrivin’ in town in the next few weeks.”

Karkat turned the palmhusk over in his hands and ran his fingers over it, continuously checking back up on Gamzee’s expression to ensure he had permission to touch it, “Sollux?” Sollux was sending him a husktop? He hadn’t stopped to think that perhaps some of his other friends might want to help him with his situation now that he was no longer actively in danger.

“Is… he okay? I know he wasn’t real thrilled with the idea of the whole Helmsman setup. What-” Karkat licked his lips and looked down at his palmhusk, “How are they? All of them I mean.”

“Our friends? Shit, bro lemme think about it a second, um-” Gamzee furrowed his eyebrows behind his paint before speaking, “Well, Sollux is hangin’ ‘round on-planet a while ‘til Aradia can come pick him up an’ make sure he gets off-planet ‘fore they snatch him up for helm duties. He’s been on the run for a while I think. Abandoned his hive ‘bout a sweep ago an’ he’s been hoppin’ ‘round ever since. He’s tryin’a make sure the empire thinks he’s dead so they ain’t lookin’ for him when he’s gone. Feferi, Eridan, an’ Tavros are off-planet on a ship in the middle a’ space somewhere right now. Feferi an’ Eridan left early together. Helped Tavros an’ Aradia get off the planet just a few perigees ago. Aradia’s been out explorin’ uninhabited planets, tryin’a find somewhere the rest of ‘em can settle down for a couple sweeps so they don’t gotta keep flyin’ ‘round in imperial space.

“The rest of ‘em I don’t know as much. Kanaya dropped off-grid a few weeks ago. Think she was headed down to train to take care a’ the mothergrub. Terezi’s already gone off to some fancy legislacerator ship to start trainin’. Ain’t heard from the rest of ‘em in a while. Think Nepeta an’ Equius are headin’ off on the same ship ascension night. Dunno ‘bout Vriska so much. There was a big argument what went down on some memo or other ‘bout a sweep ago an’ nobody I up an’ been keepin’ contact with’s heard from her since.

“I think that’s everyone? Sollux is probably headed off-planet in the next couple perigees. He’s the whole reason anyone even knew where to motherfuckin’ find you. Been keepin’ track a’ you since we realized you up an’ gone missin’. Couldn’t come getcha himself though. Brother’s been avoidin’ any form a’ intelligent life for the last fuckin’ sweep.”

Karkat placed the palmhusk back down on the desk, “So, most of them are okay, then?”

Gamzee nodded, “Yeah. We’re all okay, bro. Now you’re gonna be too.”

“What about you?” Karkat asked, “Where are you going on ascension night?” He could guess based on the paintings on the walls and the tomes of Subjugglator scripture laying on the floor, but he wanted to know. Gamzee might be his ticket off-planet after all and he wanted to know where he might end up going when ascension finally came for them.

“Well, The Dark Carnival’s already sent me a motherfuckin’ file on boardin’ when ascension comes next sweep.”

The idea curdled in his gut.

“Will you take me with you?”

Gamzee shrugged his shoulders noncommittally, “If you wanna come ‘long with me, you’re up an’ motherfuckin’ welcome to. I’m pretty sure we could getcha off-planet easy like if ya wanna join Feferi an’ those motherfuckers on their ship, though. You got options. I ain’t about to make a brother go places he ain’t got a wantin’ on to be goin’.”

For a few moments he simply stood quietly by the desk, eyes downcast as he considered what he wanted to do when ascension night finally arrived. What _did_ he want? It wasn’t something he’d properly thought about for the last three sweeps. He wanted to feel alright. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to rip the eyes out of Hydrus’s head. He wanted to sleep for ages and maybe never wake up.

“I don’t know what I want yet.” He’ll figure it out eventually.

Gamzee grinned, “Glad you’re thinkin’ on what you want. Ain’t like the ships are comin’ tomorrow.”

Karkat nodded, shoulders slumping just slightly as the tension drained from them, “You really don’t need this block for anything?”

“Nah, bro. I ain’t got any need for it. ‘s all yours. Even got a lock on it an’ everythin’. Ain’t nobody comin’ in without your gettin’ on to sayin’ so.” He tapped the lock on the doorknob to illustrate his point.

Karkat’s eyes darted to the lock on the door, staring at it like something alien. He hasn’t had proper privacy in so long.

“Want me to leave a brother be, Karkat?”

His attention returned quickly to Gamzee and oh how he wanted to just nod his head and say “Yes, I just want some time alone in a locked block with a good pale novel right now” but somehow this still felt like some sort of test. Like Hydrus might pop out of the closet and drag him back screaming and begging. Oh fuck, now he’s been silent too long.

“Want me to stay with ya, Karkat?”

And now if he said yes it was an inconvenience and if he said no it might be rude to think he could have a moment alone. Again, no right answer, only wrong ones and his gut churned and his digestion sac knotted on itself and he curled his dulled claws into his palms.

“Karkat?”

“Whatever you want,” He blurted, drawn from his thoughts by the sound of his Six-letter identifier and he pulled his claws out of his palms, leaving behind crescent moons in his gray skin.

“Bro,” Gamzee said softly, “It ain’t about what this motherfucker wants. ‘S about what you want.”

He took a deep breath and nodded very slowly. “I want,” He started, “I want-” and he couldn’t seem to continue. Wanting was selfish. Wanting was punishable. Wanting was wrong. “Alone. Please.”

Three sweeps of being trained like an animal screamed that Gamzee would hit him for asking for some peace and when Gamzee did move, Karkat inhaled sharply and clenched his eyes shut in preparation for a strike that would never come as Gamzee slowly stepped out of the block, “Course, brother. Ain’t a thing. I’ll letcha know when I got some motherfuckin’ dinner up an’ ready.”

Karkat didn’t open his eyes until he heard the sound of the door clicking shut. Even then he waited a few more moments, terrified that perhaps if he opened them, this would turn out to be some sort of sick fantasy he’d created in his head in the middle of a fever terror. That he might wake up piled in with the heated bodies of other slaves or at the foot of his Master’s platform.

When he did peek his eyes open again, he found himself exactly where he’d been in the moments before he’d closed them: Standing next to the desk in what was now his block. He stumbled towards the door as if the lock on it might disappear if he didn’t latch it shut in time. The lock slid shut and Karkat stared at his own hand on the doorknob. Slowly, he turned back around, faced once more with a space that he could call his own, and entirely uncertain what to do with it.

A small eternity seemed to pass before he eventually made his way toward the shelves stacked with his old books and movies and he began to methodically pull books and movie cases from the shelves, stacking them in piles sorted by quadrant. Soon the shelves stood empty and in the center of the block sat piles of movies and books which he then sat down to sort by genre and then by alphabetical order before eventually stacking them back onto the shelves.

Left on the floor stood a stack of about fifteen different books and movies which he shoved into the closet, pulling down one of the sweaters and draping it over the stack so that he wouldn’t have to look at them. Films and novels such as “In which a lowblood slave…” or “In which… many scenes of violent pailing…” or “In which a high-ranking Seadweller…” And then he closed the closet door and found himself once again with little to do.

Karkat turned to the desk where a small palmhusk lay waiting. The device felt heavier in his palm than he’d expected and when he booted it up, a shaky photo of the beach outside the hive greeted him past the default lock screen. He flicked through the various available applications before eventually finding the old Secure Trollian app Sollux had made for the twelve of them when they were younger. He clicked the icon for the app and opened up the ChumpRoll, frowning at all the grayed-out handles, including his own. He clicked back to the main menu to logout of what appeared to be Gamzee’s account and back into his own. GrimAuxilliatrix, grayed-out. ArachnidsGrip, grayed-out. The majority of the other handles appeared simply faded. Offline. Except for a couple. Sollux, Eridan, and Feferi all appeared available.

Anything but eager to speak with a seadweller right now, Karkat opened up a log, clicking on “twinArmageddons.”

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 16:48

CG: HEY.

CG: I UNDERSTAND I HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR GETTING ME OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE, TOO?

CG: SO…

CG: THANKS.

TA: o 2hiit.

TA: the prodiigal 2on return2.

TA: and youre welcome. good two have you back.

TA: ii2 GZ takiing care of you and all that 2hiit?

CG: YES. GAMZEE’S DOING THE BEST HE CAN WHICH IS *MORE* THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

CG: ARE YOU ALRIGHT? I HEARD YOU WERE ON THE RUN?

TA: yeah ii took off a 2weep ago when iit 2tarted lookiing liike one of my neiighbor2 wa2 gonna rat on me and iive been hoppiing ciitiie2 and 2ecluded locatiion2 2iince.

TA: glad GZ ii2nt beiing a 2ack of 2hiit con2iideriing he can barely take care of HIIM2ELF let alone another per2on.

TA: are you okay?

TA: okay waiit that wa2 liike the dumbe2t que2tiion ii could a2k riight now.

TA: let me rephra2e that:

TA: do you wanna talk about anythiing that happened? iim not exactly mr. emotiional 2tabiiliity over here but iif you need two talk.

TA: ii mean unle22 you and GZ are doiing your gro22 diiamond2 thiing agaiin and talkiing about that.

Karkat had to pause and just stare at the screen. It hadn’t crossed his mind that Gamzee might even _want_ to pick things up where they’d left off before he disappeared. That Gamzee might be at all interested in him diamonds-ways.

CG: I’M

CG: I DON’T KNOW

CG: WHAT IS THERE TO SAY? I’VE BEEN IN SLAVERY FOR THE LAST THREE SWEEPS? I’M STILL NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED THIS ISN’T A FUCKED UP DAYTERROR THAT STARTS OFF WELL AND ENDS HORRIBLY? I STILL CAN’T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THE IDEA THAT GAMZEE’S DOING THIS FOR ME NO QUESTIONS ASKED AND NO CATCH?

CG: GOSH WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING LAUGHS! TALKING ABOUT ALL THAT SOUNDS LIKE A *GREAT* TIME.

CG: THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE I WANT TO DROWN MYSELF IN THE COON, SO I’VE JUST BEEN IGNORING THE PROBLEM UNTIL IT GOES AWAY OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. THAT WORKS RIGHT? JUST IGNORE EVERYTHING AND IT’LL ALL EVENTUALLY WORK OUT RIGHT?

TA: are you and GZ talkiing?

CG: I DON’T KNOW. NOT REALLY?

CG: I DON’T WANNA PUT THAT SHIT ON HIM WHEN HE’S ALREADY GIVING ME SOMEWHERE TO STAY.

TA: KK look.

TA: ii cant 2peak for GZ here but iif he doe2nt wanna hear your trauma 2hiit hell probably tell you.

TA: iif you dont wanna talk two GZ though iim here.

TA: iim 2ure FF AA ED and TV would be happy two lii2ten iif you need 2omeone el2e.

TA: iim not your lu2u2 though. you do what you want.

TA: iim ju2t glad we fiinally managed two get you out.

TA: 2orry iit took 2o FUCKIING long though.

TA: did GZ tell you iim 2endiing a hu2ktop your way?

TA: 2hould be there iin a few week2.

CG: YEAH, GAMZEE MENTIONED IT. I WAS MAYBE HOPING YOU’D BE BRINGING IT IN PERSON, BUT IF YOU’RE TRYING TO LAY LOW IT’S PROBABLY BETTER YOU’RE SHIPPING IT. HONESTLY I’M FINE WITH A PALMHUSK, I DON’T NEED A WHOLE HUSKTOP.

He wanted one though and it would be nice to have.

CG: I APPRECIATE IT THOUGH. A LOT.

TA: heheh no problem.

TA: even coded iit not two explode under any ciircum2tance2 what2oever.

CG: HOLY SHIT HOW LONG DID *THAT* TAKE YOU?

TA: a couple niight2

CG: SMUG ASSHOLE.

It had been funny and lighthearted enough to send those two words, but now when he looked up at them his digestion sac dropped. Insulting a superior. His fingers clenched into his palms. _Hot white pain shooting up his back as his skin split at the crack of hard leather._

TA: heheh you fuckiin KNOW iit.

TA: do you know how genuiinely fuckiing DIIFFIICULT iit ii2 two wriite code that wiill keep a hu2ktop from explodiing under ANY ciircum2tance2?

CG: FUCK DO YOU REMEMBER HOW TO DELETE MESSAGES?

CG: I NEED

CG: I NEED THAT LAST ONE I SENT GONE.

TA: oh yeah 2ure just riight cliick that biitch and hiit delete.

Karkat immediately followed Sollux’s instructions and relaxed as “CG: SMUG ASSHOLE” vanished from the screen and all the messages prior shifted down to fill the void left in its wake.

CG: THANKS.

TA: you okay?

CG: SURE. I MEAN IF WE’RE TREATING OKAY AS A RELATIVE TERM, THEN YES. I AM COMPARATIVELY OKAY RIGHT NOW.

TA: miind iif ii a2k why you needed that removed or ii2 that too “hey 2how me all ur bu2iine22?”

CG: I’D

CG: I DON’T THINK I REALLY WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

TA: got iit.

CG: I MEAN I DON’T KNOW, I *KIND OF* WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S FUCKED UP AND EVERYTHING WAS HORRIBLE AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR THAT I’M CORRECT IN BELIEVING THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS FUCKED UP AND HORRIBLE, BUT ALSO, I DON’T WANT TO JUST. SPEND MY TIME RECONNECTING WITH YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW OBJECTIVELY SHITTY MY LIFE HAS BEEN AND THINKING ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE PHYSICALLY PAINFUL FOR ME TO DEAL WITH.

TA: heheh.

TA: mii22ed your longa22 rant2.

Karkat snorted out loud.

CG: THEY MAY NOT BE BACK QUITE IN FULL-FORCE YET, BUT REST ASSURED I’VE STILL GOT WORDS TO FILL A FIFTY-PART EPIC.

TA: good two know iill get two 2tand wiitne22 two your word-ba2ed one-man ciircle-jerk.

TA: 2eriiou2ly though iif you need two talk about your 2hiit dont worry about wa2tiing our reconnect tiime ii got nothiing better two do than thii2 iif iim not iin the miiddle of relocatiing.

TA: and iill tell you iif iim not iin a place two hear about your horriible horriible liife.

CG: HONESTLY, JUST TALKING TO YOU LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL FEELS REALLY FUCKING GOOD. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT I CAN’T HURL INSULTS AT YOU ANYMORE WITHOUT VIVID TACTILE HALLUCINATIONS, IT’S BEEN REALLY LIBERATING. FEELS LESS LIKE I’M JUST STEEPING IN MY OWN MISERY. GAMZEE’S GREAT AND ALL, BUT HE’S STILL JUST. SO COLD. FREAKS ME OUT IF HE TOUCHES ME WITHOUT WARNING. HE DOESN’T DO IT MUCH AND THUS FAR IT’S JUST KIND OF BY ACCIDENT, BUT IT STILL SUCKS ASS WHEN IT HAPPENS. AND I GUESS IT JUST FEELS LIKE I’M MAKING HIM WALK ON EGGSHELLS IN HIS OWN HIVE.

TA: would iit make you more comfortable iif you 2tayed wiith me iin2tead of GZ?

He had to stop and think about that one.

Would it make him more comfortable living with Sollux? Jumping around from location to location, not having to deal much if at all with other trolls? Though if he remembered right, Sollux’s self-loathing issues and moodiness had been nearly as bad, if not worse than his own issues when they were younger.

CG: BE HONEST WITH ME: HOW SHITTY IS YOUR MENTAL STATE THESE NIGHTS?

TA: 2hiit going riight for the poiint there KK.

TA: hone2tly? not great. iim iin an up2wiing riight now, but iit2 gonna fuck off wiithiin the next night or 2o.

TA: both of u2 iin the 2ame 2pace two long probably wont end well for eiither of u2 huh?

CG: PROBABLY NOT. ME BEING A LITTLE BLACK FUCKING RAINCLOUD WOULD PROBABLY JUST FUCK YOUR MOOD WHICH WOULD IN TURN FUCK MY MOOD UNTIL WE END UP WITH SOME SORT OF SUICIDE PACT.

TA: heheh ii mean youre probably riight.

TA: you 2ure though?

TA: GZ me22aged me earliier toniight and wa2 worriied you were ju2t dealiing wiith hiim becau2e youre afraid of hiim or 2omethiing.

TA: iif you don’t wanna 2tay wiith me we could fiind 2omewhere el2e for you on your own or get 2omeone from FF2 2hiip two come piick you up.

TA: ju2t 2ay the word.

CG: NO NO, GAMZEE’S FINE. HE JUST STARTLES ME FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT AT THIS POINT A FUCKING FLUTTERBEAST WOULD PROBABLY STARTLE ME. HE’S FINE. I’M OKAY. BESIDES, HIS HIVE IS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT FAMILIAR AND HE HAS ALMOST ALL OF MY OLD MOVIES AND BOOKS HOLY SHIT?

CG: I’M OKAY.

CG: WELL…

CG: NOT EXACTLY OKAY, BUT BEING HERE IS FINE. BESIDES, I DON’T WANNA RISK SOMEONE FINDING YOU OR EVERYONE ON FEFERI’S SHIP. THIS IS OKAY.

TA: alriight. let me, 2omeone el2e from the 2hiip, or GZ know iif you change your miind on that one.

TA: fuck ii thiink ii gotta go. iive been here two long and iits lookiing liike iim gonna have to bolt.

TA: yeah fuck tho2e are drone2.

TA: iill me22age you when iim 2ettled down 2omewhere agaiin.

TA: 2ee ya KK.

CG: BE CAREFUL. TALK TO YOU LATER.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 18:03

* * *

A few hours later, Karkat sat curled up next to the coon, a heap of his old sweaters piled up beneath him as he turned the page of one of his favorite pale novels. He’d nearly made it to the end of the fifth chapter when the sound of a voice down the hall caught his attention.

“Karkat!”

He jumped and scrambled for the door, abandoning his book which tumbled to the floor. He all but ran for the nutrition block where he’d heard his name, the tranquility of curling up with a good book after a conversation with an old friend evaporating in only a split-second. Someone wanted him. Someone cold. He came to a stop in the doorway to the nutrition block and waited with baited breath, pusher hammering away at his thoracic struts, “What can I do for you?”

Over the stove, Gamzee stood stirring a pot of something warm and boiling. He looked up at Karkat, slightly startled by his speedy and panicked arrival, “Nothin’? Jus’ got dinner ready an’ all that shit.” He began ladling soup out of the pot into a couple bowls, “How much you want?”

Test. He wasn’t allowed to just eat however much he felt like.

“How much may I have?”

Gamzee raised an eyebrow at him, “Much as ya want what we got left in the pot?” He returned his attention to said pot and filled one of the bowls almost to the brim and set it down on the tiny cluttered table by the wall of the block, casting a glance at Karkat, “Somethin’ wrong, bro?”

Yes. Yes, something was very wrong and his pan continued screaming at him even as his digestion sac gurgled at the smell of the soup sitting out on the table. It may not have smelled like heaven, but it was warm and inviting and he hadn’t had a decent meal in so long. His tongue darted out over his lips and he swallowed, trying to remember how it had felt earlier talking with Sollux. How he’d slowly loosened up. How he’d felt so close to normal if only for a while. Still, in the back of his pan alarms continued sounding.

“Karkat?”

It was suddenly even more difficult to reach for that normalcy. _Karkat, kneel. Karkat, come. Karkat,_ dance.

It pulsed in his pan and in his bones and he couldn’t _breathe._

“Bro, you’re shakin’, whaddya need?”

He shook his head. What _did_ he need?

“Nothing! Nothing, sir. I- Fuck.” He tried to even out his quivering breath, “What can I do to help?” Give him something to do, some way to shut up the sick smooth sound of Hydrus whispering into his panicked pan. _Oh, Karkat, you’re so pretty when you’re scared._

“Don’t you worry about that, bro. Hey,” Gamzee approached slowly, “Hey look at me, okay?”

He lifted his eyes to focus on Gamzee’s face.

“You’re safe here, brother. Ain’t no one gonna hurt you now. Not so long as I can help it.”

He swallowed the lump rising in his throat and nodded, repeating back to him, “Safe here.”

“You wanna come sit? Get some food in that stomach?”

“Yes. I- Yes I’m-” His voice wavered with the quakes continuing to course through him, “Yes.”

Gamzee offered him a smile and pulled out a chair at the table for him. Karkat eased himself down into the chair, bracing his quivering hands on the table and leaning back into the seat, trying to return his erratic breathing to normal, trying to shut up the whispers of his own name.

“It ain’t the best,” Gamzee’s voice came drifting through the noise in his head, “but it’s warm an’ it’ll keep ya full.”

The lumpy stew sitting before him on the table stared back up at him as Karkat picked up the spoon from the bowl with one of his shaking hands. He had to lean over the bowl to keep from spilling stew over the table. It was bland. Thick. Warm. It may not taste like the work of a trained Cheflayer, but it at least sat heavy and warm and dense in his digestion sac, starting to round up the hunger in him and press it away.

“Is it okay?” Gamzee asked.

He took another bite, nodding his head once and focusing on the taste of bland, but filling food, the warmth of it, the smell, the feeling of it sliding down his throat and slowly his hands began to stop shaking, his breathing returning to something closer to normal. His pusher kept hammering away in his thoracic cavity, quick like the pattering of wriggler feet. The longer he ate though, the more even that began to retreat to a normal range.

Soon, he began shoveling away food, _quick get it down before someone can take it._ He’s held down more on an emptier sac. He dragged the edge of the spoon down the sides of the bowl, refusing to let any go to waste if he could help it.

When he finally remembered to look up, Gamzee sat staring at him, “Want more?”

He blinked at him, licking his lips and shifting in his seat, uncomfortably full, but sweeps of malnourishment screaming to pack away every ounce of food he could get his hands on. Eventually, discomfort outweighed instinct and he shook his head, setting his spoon back down in the bowl and placing his hands into his lap.

“What happened earlier?”

Karkat cringed.

“When a brother got onto bein’ all nervous-like?”

A wave of guilt rode through him and he lowered his eyes to the table, “It’s fine.”

“It ain’t.”

He flinched.

“Karkat, you got all up an’ scared-like an’ I ain’t gotten a single motherfuckin’ clue onto knowin’ what happened to make ya like that. You were shakin’ like a damn leaf, brother.”

_Karkat._

“I-“ And there was that sinking feeling again. This felt like an order. An interrogation, “I didn’t- I’m–” He paused, “I’m sorry I worried you. I’ll do better next time.” He picked up his bowl from the table, “Should I wash this?”

Gamzee simply watched him for a time and he began to wonder if he’d done something seriously and unforgivably wrong.

“You can jus’ drop it in the sink if ya want.”

“Alright.” Karkat did as he was told and placed the bowl down in the sink and stared down at it before speaking up softly, “May I go now?” He couldn’t stand the look on Gamzee’s face. It hurt in his chest and he didn’t know why.

“You don’t need permission for that shit.”

Silence. He tried to will himself to leave of his own accord, to stand up from the counter, turn, and leave. Despite his efforts he remained exactly where he was, frozen in space like some sort of lag. All he could think to do was repeat himself, “May I go now?”

Gamzee sighed, “You can go.”

* * *

The slime was warm and comforting even through dayterrors, though when he woke in the middle of the day in a cold sweat, slime could only do so much. It may have dulled what would have been sharp vivid dreams into something more nebulous, but in his waking time it felt suffocating.

Karkat climbed from the coon, slime sliding from his skin back into the coon with a thick _slosh._ Some of the green had gotten stuck in the hair hanging around the base of his shoulders. Returning to sleep was the last thing he wanted right now, right now with the dulled sensation of violation and claustrophobia clinging to him. Fumbling to the closet, Karkat groped blindly through the light filtering in through the curtains for a pair of pants and one of his old sweaters. It may not be bright enough out to hurt with the curtains drawn, but it was certainly lighter now than his eyes were accustomed to. His foot caught on the inside of his pant leg as he tried to pull it up and lost his balance, nearly toppling over on the floor. At the last moment, his hand shot out and caught the wall and he righted himself and made his way for the door.

The creak of the door felt deafening in the silence of the hive, the only sound the crashing of waves on the shores outside, the shambling of daywalkers on the beach, and his own breathing. His bare feet padded along the floor and his pusher hammered. Was he allowed to be out and about the hive in the middle of the day?

He crept past the vivacious murals covering the walls toward Gamzee’s block, raising one hand to knock on the door before hesitating.

It was the middle of the day, Gamzee was sleeping, and he didn’t know if Gamzee would react the same way to being woken now as he had three sweeps ago. His hand dropped back down to his side and he turned toward the rest of the hive. With no eyes to watch him now, he wandered through it with less reservation than the waking hours. The recreation block lay strewn with Gamzee’s various church paraphernalia. It was all over the upright respite platform, piled against the walls, over every flat surface in the block. Paint cans sat neatly closed against the walls, an enormous tome open on the upright respite platform, clubs and symbols of his Messiahs tucked carefully onto cluttered surfaces.

Karkat reached down to pick up one of Gamzee’s clubs laying on the floor, looking for a place to put it away before thinking better of it. Maybe he shouldn’t touch Gamzee’s things. At least not his strife weapons or church-related items.

Putting down the club, Karkat turned his attention to the open door to the nutrition block and frowned at the state of it. Gamzee clearly hadn’t done the dishes after dinner. Maybe he’d expected Karkat to help him. A spike of fear shot through him at the thought that he’d neglected to help Gamzee clean up and he made his way silently into the bock, assessing the pile of dirty dishes and the filthy countertops. It seemed, now that he’d taken his time to look at the mess, that Gamzee perhaps hadn’t cleaned up after dinner for a number of weeks. Dishes stood stacked up beside the sink coated in some sort of grime he hoped wasn’t alive. In fact, the grime appeared to cover most of the block’s surfaces aside from the table which appeared only stained rather than completely disgusting.

Karkat began opening cupboards and searching through them for cleaning fluid, moist disinfectant sheets, or a sponge if nothing else. He gathered up his findings on the sticky countertop, taking inventory. Sponge, rag, dish cleaning fluid, and an unopened bottle of all-purpose cleaning fluid. He’s almost surprised he found anything at all.

Giving little thought to the time of day, Karkat began cleaning the nutrition block, starting with the dishes, rinsing and scrubbing each of them in turn and trying to find where to put them away. When the pile of dishes had vanished, he started on the sink, scrubbing it down until it shined. Then he moved on to the countertops, the outside of the thermal hull, the inside of the thermal hull. Anything to keep him busy. Anything to avoid thinking.

He’d just about finished scrubbing out the inside of the cryo-compartment of the thermal hull, fingers numb and freezing.

“Karkat?”

His pusher skipped a beat before trying to catch up with the one it missed and he dropped the rag he’d been using to wipe down the inside of the cryo-compartment, startling to his feet, standing at attention, stiff as a board, “Yessir.”

It was only after Gamzee’s expression fell that he realized what he’d just said and he gritted his teeth, mentally berating himself the mistake.

“Karkat, brother… the fuck you doin’ up at such an unrighteous time a’ the goddamn day. Sun’s high enough shadows are getting’ real short.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you, I was just- I was cleaning the nutrition block.”

“In the middle a’ the day?” Gamzee raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sunlight that trickled in through the cracks around the windows where the curtains didn’t quite cover.

Karkat swallowed and straightened his posture, “I’m sorry.” This felt like a reprimand and his entire being screamed _flee,_ screamed _pain._

“You don’t gotta be sorry, motherfucker, jus’… Why’s a brother up right now when he oughta be gettin’ his sleep on? Ain’t gonna do you no good t’be up an’ exhausted.”

“I-” He licked his lips and kept his eyes on his feet, itching to get back to mindlessly scrubbing down the entire nutrition block until it sparkled, “Dayterrors.”

Gamzee’s expression softened, even through his squinting, “You… wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head, “No sir- I mean- god fucking _damn_ it.” He grimaced and let out a huff before regaining some semblance of composure, “I’m sorry I woke you. I just… I need to do something right now. The nutrition block was dirty.”

“Alright,” Gamzee nodded, eyebrows knitted, “Alright. Let a motherfucker know if ya need anythin’. Jus’ knock. If I ain’t sayin’ shit, holler for me. An’… try to get some sleep?”

Sleep was still out of the question right now in Karkat’s mind, but he nodded his understanding nonetheless and waited until he heard the click of the door to Gamzee’s respite block before returning to scrubbing down the rest of the nutrition block.

He fell asleep sitting at the table, one hand pruny and wet from the damp rag still in it, the bottle of cleaning fluid sitting a few inches away.

* * *

A week passed and Karkat made his way through the nights one step at a time. He would wake without fail in the middle of the day and start cleaning the hive, cooking in the blinding sunlight, then fall asleep in odd places around the hive, waking up from a vivid dayterror to Gamzee’s soft voice repeating his name.

“Karkat? Karkat, you’re jus’ havin’ a bad dream, c’mon.”

And without fail, the sound of his name while he was unconscious would make his pusher hammer harder and he’d wake up hyperventilating and more exhausted than when he’d fallen asleep sprawled on the upright respite platform, sitting at the table in the nutrition block, curled up by Gamzee’s door, in the ablution trap, trying to stay awake the rest of the day. Some days he’d stand up from scrubbing clean the insides of cabinets to see Gamzee standing in the doorway of the nutrition block, watching him with something that might have been sadness. His gut would twist and he’d mumble to him, “Sorry for waking you.”

“You can’t keep doin’ this to yourself, brother.”

“I just can’t sleep.”

Gamzee’s lips tightened into a line and it was so much easier to see the concern over his features with his face bare, even with the bright scalding light of day trickling in through the windows, “Anythin’ I can do to make that shit easier on a motherfucker? Better slime? Want me to stay in the block with ya while you’re sleepin’? I could move your ‘coon somewhere else if it’d make it easier, brother.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Karkat shook his head, turning back to the cabinets and starting to scrub down the inside walls until his arms ached with exhaustion and he fell asleep on the floor of the nutrition block in the early hours of the evening, pots and pans emptied out of one of the cupboards around him.

Things weren’t only difficult during the day when he should be sleeping.

He would hear his name from the nutrition block for dinner in the mornings and he’d sprint, eyes wide, thrumming with adrenaline.

“Yessir?” He’d ask, even if he knew in the back of his pan that Gamzee was only calling him for dinner, “What do you need from me?”

Gamzee stood at the stove over a steaming plate of grubloaf fresh from the heating cube. The desperation in Gamzee’s voice was hard to miss, even if he tried to hide it, “Karkat, you ain’t gotta say shit like that no more. Jus’ want you ta eat. I ain’t your master.”

Nausea rose up in his stomach at the pleading way Gamzee spoke, the distress apparent in his tight voice.

“You keep getting’ all scared. Please, jus’ tell me what I’m doin’ wrong. What’s makin’ you so afraid? Happens every time we sit ‘n eat. Want to eat alone? A brother can get his motherfuckin’ munch on in his block if you can’t do it out here. Or I can- I can eat somewhere else if that’s what’s botherin’ you, just–” Gamzee slouched, hands braced against the edge of the counter “–tell me what to do. I don’t know how to help.”

His breathing didn’t come right and it ached and he couldn’t _speak,_ couldn’t think outside the adrenaline still coursing through him. How could he tell Gamzee how to help him when he barely knew how to help himself? How could he tell Gamzee how to help him when he couldn’t think, let alone _speak._

When the silence went on too long, Gamzee opened his mouth to speak again, the first letter of Karkat’s name on his lips and he bolted. He could go a night without dinner easily. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He didn’t know how to process that awful sick feeling in his stomach that arose when Gamzee looked at him so earnest and concerned, didn’t know how to force himself to just ask him “Please don’t call me by my name.”

The door swung shut behind him and Karkat locked it. He moved the desk chair in front of it, piling up books and clothes around the base of the door. Just in case.

Tonight, it’s a quiet evening. One of the evenings where Gamzee didn’t wake him. One of the evenings where Karkat had fallen asleep on the upright respite platform rather than the floor. One of the evenings where he woke up to the smell of Gamzee cooking and wandered into the nutrition block quietly.

“Need any help with breakfast?” It was so quiet and peaceful in a way that the past three sweeps had never been.

Gamzee glanced over his shoulder and offered a smile that didn’t appear to quite meet his eyes, even with the artificial one painted over his mouth, “Nah, bro. You go ahead an’ sit down. Grubcakes are almost done.”

He nodded, “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go grab a book.” It was evenings like these that made him feel almost normal again. He retrieved one of his novels, an exciting adventure story taking place on a ship on the edges of the known galaxy. He seated himself at the table as Gamzee piled up grubcakes onto a couple of plates and set them out on the table. Karkat had gotten through maybe half his stack in the quiet of the evening, the sky still faintly pink with the sun dipped down past the horizon when Gamzee spoke up, voice twisted up in his throat.

“What am I doin’ wrong?”

It caught him off-guard to say the least and Karkat furrowed his eyebrows, “I’m- what?”

“What am I doin’ wrong, brother?” He could feel the strain in Gamzee’s voice, “I just… I wanna motherfuckin’ help, but everytime I open my stupid mouth I say or do somethin’ wrong an’ I jus’…” His eyes watered, with pain or sadness or maybe a bit of both, Karkat couldn’t tell, but then they looked up at him, older than the wriggler he remembered and there was something there that he couldn’t quite place.

The quiet evenings weren’t supposed to feel like this.

Gamzee’s hand wrapped around Karkat’s forearm and if he’d wanted to, he easily could have pulled away, but Karkat simply stared, caught by that look in his eyes. The words he spoke next squeezed Karkat’s pusher in agonizing guilt.

“Beloved, just tell me what you need.”

_Beloved._

Something in him knotted and softened again like it had when Gamzee said that word before. It made his pusher ache in a way that didn’t hurt, but rather burned and his eyes watered red around the edges and he gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw in an attempt to hold everything back. Gamzee has been _hurting_ and it’s all too clear to see now and he wanted to brush it all off, to hide in his block, to start cleaning the dishes, anything to avoid the sharp pain in his chest at how Gamzee has been _hurting_ for him.

“Karkat?”

He flinched and averted his eyes, tightening his grip on his fork. It was such a stupid, small thing. It shouldn’t be difficult to say and it shouldn’t feel like such a weight in his digestion sac holding it in and it shouldn’t make his pusher palpitate just thinking about the set of six letters. His own name turned against him, turned against the people who care for him, made into a weapon. His own lusus-given name. All he had left of his guardian.

“Karkat, I-”

“It’s my name,” He muttered, refusing to meet Gamzee’s eyes, preparing for ridicule, for laughter at his apparent terror at the sound of his own name, “I need you to stop using my name.” When no ridicule came, he lifted his head to see Gamzee’s face contorted in horror.

“You mean to be tellin’ me that every time I call you your name-” Gamzee’s voice caught in his throat, “Brother you gotta tell me this shit. I been hurtin’ you without knowin’ it this last week. I don’t wanna be addin’ to your pain, bro.”

Karkat swallowed and the ache in his thoracic cavity just seemed to keep spreading, “It’s stupid as fuck. I thought- Thought maybe I could just power through it. Get over it with time and I didn’t wanna think about it, but it’s-” He hasn’t talked much in detail about his experiences to anyone. Not to Gamzee, not to Sollux, not to Tavros or Aradia, “He said my name so much. It feels like it belongs to Him now instead of me.”

Gamzee fixed him with a stare, “You want me to stop sayin’ your name for now?”

“Yes. Please,” He breathed.

“Alright, bro.”

The two of them returned to quietly shoveling down breakfast, the soft feeling of that word – _Beloved_ – tugging at the back of his pan. How warm it felt even as it pulled at his pusher. When he did eventually speak up again there was a smile in his voice, “Liked it when you called me “Beloved” Felt good.”

Gamzee looked up from his stack of grubcakes and through the mass of hair around his head, Karkat could barely make out the purpling of his ears, “Feels good ta call you beloved, beloved.”

He laughed, starting to pick up his plate from the table to wash it, going about the process humming a soft low tune to himself. He stacked the dishes back away in the cupboards and fell into pensive silence before clearing his throat and turning towards the table where Gamzee still sat, finishing off the last of his grubcakes.

“Hey, Gamzee?”

“Yeah, bro?”

“Thank you,” He licked his lips as he worked to find the right words, “I know I’m not really easy to be around. Especially not right now. I’m… having a hard time telling you the things I should be telling you, and I- I appreciate how patient you’re being with me.”

“Ain’t even a thing, brother,” Gamzee smiled at him and picked up his own now empty plate, taking it over to the sink, “You deserve every good thing comin’ your way.”

* * *

Karkat lay draped over the meager pile he’d begun to build beside his coon, one of his books in one hand and a mug of warm leaf extract in the other when a knock on the door drew him from a particularly scandalous scene of pale passions. He flushed red and cleared his throat, “Come in?”

The door eased open and Gamzee’s head peeked around the doorframe into the block, “Hey, motherfucker. I got a surprise for ya what I think a brother’s gonna get his likin’ onto real good.”

His book fell shut with a quiet _thump_ and he tucked it back away where it belonged on the shelves along the wall, “What kind of surprise?” He pursed his lips, nervous and hesitant about the idea of a surprise. It wasn’t that he thought Gamzee would try to hurt him, quite the opposite. He just worried that something seemingly harmless would leave him horrified and unable to grasp reality.

“Nothin’ crazy. Mostly involves food if that sweetens the motherfuckin’ pot for a brother.”

He sat up straighter, set his mug down, and fixed Gamzee with a stare, “Why the _fuck_ didn’t you lead with that?”

Gamzee snickered and grinned lazily at him, “Woulda taken away some a’ the surprise I guess. C’mon, grab some shoes an’ meet me by the front door.”

The door swung gently shut as Gamzee left and Karkat hurried to his feet, digging through his closet for shoes he hadn’t worn in sweeps. He slipped into a pair of very generic black shoes which hugged to his feet tighter than they had when he’d last worn them three sweeps ago. Upon standing, he rocked back and forth on his feet in an attempt to perhaps stretch the fabric enough that the shoes might be a bit easier to walk in. When the shoes refused to give in the wake of his rocking, he sighed and picked up his palmhusk, then his half-filled mug, and made his way towards the nutrition block, passing Gamzee in the main recreation block on the way and barely catching a glimpse of him carrying something large in one of his arms.

Dropping his mug in the sink to wash later, Karkat hurried towards the front door of the hive where he got a better look at what appeared to be a large basket Gamzee carried over his right forearm. It took him maybe all of two seconds to put the pieces together and before he could stop it, a grin plastered itself over his face, “Did you… Are we going on a picnic?”

Gamzee laughed sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders, “It was supposed to be some sort a’ surprise, but I guess I ain’t too good with that sorta secret-keepin’ shit when I know that you knowin’ll get a brother smilin’ like that.” He stepped out of the way and opened the door for Karkat. The crisp night air blasted him in the face and chilled him clear into his lungs and it hit him how long it had been since he’d gone outside.

It’s surreal in the same way that all of the past two weeks have felt. It feels too good to be true. He’s spent the last two weeks cooped up inside for fear of the world outside. Gamzee’s hive is familiar. In the hive, he has a space to call his own and he knows the workings of this microcosm of himself, Gamzee, and the people he can reach through his palmhusk. He strode through the doorway, waiting out on the slab of concrete barely passing for a porch as Gamzee closed the door behind them and waved Karkat long.

“This way. Got a nice spot I got a righteous motherfuckin’ feelin’ a brother’s gonna get a real good likin’ onto.”

Gamzee led them up from the beach, through the sand toward where the beachgrass started to take over. They must have gotten almost a quarter mile out from Gamzee’s hive before they came to a small sandy hill. A gnarled, sun-bleached tree, which all but glowed in the green light cast by the alternian moon shining overhead, stood reaching up to the stars and Gamzee grinned as they trekked up the hill to the grassy top. Upon reaching the top of the hill, Gamzee set down the basket and turned to Karkat, “Close your eyes, bro. This shit’s gonna be motherfuckin’ wicked.”

With a roll of his eyes, Karkat turned his back and put his hands over his eyes. For a few moments there were only the quiet sounds of the basket lid opening and hands picking up various items and seemingly dumping them out onto the ground. At least until–

_Fwoosh!_

_“Shit!”_

_Rip!_

_Thud._

When he uncovered his eyes, he couldn’t help the barking laughter at the sight greeting him.

Gamzee sat, legs splayed out on the grass with two horns poking up through two tears in a grey-checkered picnic blanket, a pile of possibly once-stacked, sloppy grubwiches toppled next to the basket. Karkat nearly couldn’t breathe for how hard he laughed, choking on his own spit and starting to hack through his laughter as he knelt and pulled the picnic blanket up from over Gamzee’s horns to reveal an incredibly pouty clown.

That is until Gamzee too broke out in a grin and threw his head back to join him in cackling. The picnic blanket lay forgotten on the ground beside the picnic basket until they wound down into tired snickering and Karkat picked up the blanket again and stood, “You’re a damn mess, you know that?”

Gamzee sighed and laid back over the grassy hill with a vacant smile, “I got a knowin’ onto that shit, motherfucker.”

Karkat shook out the picnic blanket and spread it out over the hilltop, holding down one corner of the blanket with his foot while scooting the basket onto the other corner to hold that one down. He sat up on the opposite side of the blanket to keep it from flying off in the wind and Gamzee picked himself up, starting to pile up the toppled grubwiches to stack them atop the picnic blanket. He scooted to sit on the blanket and then began pulling out more food from the basket, tossing it into the pile with the grubwiches. Bottles of faygo, grubflakes, grubsauce, a bottle of water even!

Karkat watched as Gamzee emptied out the basket and his pusher melted in his thoracic cavity. Neither of them were the same wrigglers they’d been three sweeps ago, but maybe they hadn’t changed _so_ much.

The breeze was nice and the subpar food was nice, laying on a picnic blanket under the midnight Alternian sky with Gamzee, digestion sac full, the night cool, too-small shoes discarded by the picnic basket while they just stared up at the sky where they would muse on whether that star they’re looking at was Empire controlled or if it was actually a galaxy so far away the Empire hadn’t even touched it yet.

He couldn’t quite remember when his hand ended up in Gamzee’s, but it’s nice, just like the rest of this night. Gamzee’s hand somehow managed to be both colder and clammier than his own and he snickered at how it still felt like holding hands as a wriggler, sweaty and sticky and cold, but so sweet nonetheless.

“Hey, bro?”

Karkat turned to look at Gamzee who continued staring up at the starry night sky, “Yeah?”

“I’m-” Gamzee sighed and let his eyes fall shut, “If you ain’t… comfortable with the shit I’m doin’ ever, you’ll let a motherfucker know, right?”

It was hard for him to come up with an answer. He liked to hope that he would, he’s been trying to work on being more transparent with his needs around Gamzee, but he can’t guarantee it. Look at what happened with his name.

“I’ll try to.”

Gamzee nodded and lightly squeezed Karkat’s hand, “I just… I know I’m comin’ on real pale an’ a brother ain’t gotta put up with that shit if it bothers you.”

Karkat blinked at him and sat up, “This was supposed to be pale?”

Gamzee blinked right back at Karkat and made a sound in the back of his throat like a dying meowbeast and ran his hands over his face, somehow managing to keep his paint intact, “It ain’t s’posed to be anythin’ more than jus’… somethin’ nice. I was worried you’re jus’ puttin’ up with how outright motherfuckin’ pale I been at a motherfucker. Just… wanna make sure you know you can tell a brother when enough’s enough an’ all that. Don’t wanna make ya uncomfortable or nothin’.”

His conversation with Sollux on that first night here came to mind.

_ii mean unle22 you and GZ are doiing your gro22 diiamond2 thiing agaiin and talkiing about that._

Then, he hadn’t even been able to fathom the idea that Gamzee might want him in a pale quadrant again and the feeling he has now seems almost the same. Picking their relationship up where it had left off before he’d been dragged away had crossed his mind only occasionally over the last two weeks, usually dismissed by the idea that Gamzee could never be pale for him again, not like this, not when Karkat had so many little things to keep track of and so much baggage. Yet, here Gamzee was, worrying that he was coming on too pale, that Karkat might not want it.

“Do…” He started and the question he was about to ask already felt so stupid in his mouth, “Are you pale for me?” Who could _want_ to take on the weight of pitying and caring for him in spite of everything.

He waited quietly for an answer while Gamzee stared up at the sky and let his eyes fall shut. The answer came so softly and quietly, just a small, almost imperceptible nod and a murmured, “Yeah, brother.”

The answer he received rushed like a breath of fresh air in his lungs, like a weight lifted off his shoulders and he hadn’t even stopped to think whether he was pale for Gamzee _back_ yet. All he knew was that maybe – just maybe – he was loveable.

“If it bothers you we can up an’ getcha somewhere else. Ain’t gotta be stickin’ ‘round a fucker what’s makin’ you uncomfortable an’ I ain’t wanna pressure you into nothin’ you ain’t wantin’ on bein’ a motherfuckin’ part of.”

Karkat laid down again on the picnic blanket beside Gamzee and reached over to tentatively take his hand again and even the chill of his fingers wasn’t nearly as frightening as it once was, “Shhh, don’t worry about it. I-” He didn’t know what he wanted yet. Didn’t know if he was ready for a relationship again, but with Gamzee it didn’t feel heavy or impossible. A door was open that he hadn’t noticed before and for now he’s content to peer through it into a world of what he just might have, “I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a quadrant again, but I think when I am, I want it to be with you.”

It was a quiet night and the two of them stayed out on top of that hill until the wind grew warm and the tide began receding back out to the deeper parts of the sea.

* * *

Karkat’s husktop arrived to a drop point in town about two weeks later. Gamzee returned home from picking it up toting a bag of groceries as well and a note stuck to the front of the husktop in scribbly handwriting.

_For fuck2 2ake iif you blow thii2 one up ii dont know what there ii2 to do about your horriifiic technologiical abiiliitiie2._

With a snort, Karkat placed the husktop down on his desk, humming to himself. He’d stopped falling asleep in odd places around the hive as much only a week ago. When he couldn’t sleep these nights, he’d taken to crawling into Gamzee’s coon. Gamzee, he’d found, rarely slept in his ‘coon. Usually when he’d wander into his block in the middle of the day, he’d find Gamzee sprawled over a pile of pajamas, juggling clubs, and what looked like emptied pots of paint. He would crawl into the empty ‘coon and wake up in the evening to the smell of Gamzee doing his damnedest to cook something edible for breakfast.

On the rare occasion that Gamzee _had_ decided to sleep in his coon, Karkat began flopping over the pile instead to sleep, until one day when he woke from a particularly bad dayterror and stood in the doorway to Gamzee’s block, watching him like a wriggler deciding whether to wake their lusus after a bad dream and eventually he silently made his way to the side of the coon, climbed over the edge, and settled in against Gamzee. He hadn’t expected a touch so cold to bring him the amount of comfort it did after the cold touches he’d grown accustomed to over the last three sweeps. A part of him knew that if it was anyone besides Gamzee he’d be unable to fall back asleep, but it _was_ Gamzee, so sleep he did.

He woke up to a cool arm around his shoulders and a chin tucked up between his nubby little horns. As the waking world drifted back to him, he started to shift in Gamzee’s hold and yawned, hugging around his middle and letting himself relax in the dim light of the evening.

“Evenin’,” Gamzee grumbled, voice low and rough with sleep still clinging to him.

Karkat hummed back to him before mumbling, “Evening.” He sighed and eventually moved to sit up and stretch his arms over his head before sinking back into the slime again, not quite ready to leave the warm confines of Gamzee’s coon.

“Sorry for crawling in without asking.”

“Ain’t a thing motherfucker. Dayterrors again?”

He sighed and nodded sinking down into the slime further and tucking his head back under Gamzee’s chin. It’s so weird to him. This level of physical contact. More than the contact itself though was the oddity of _enjoying_ it. It felt good for the tactile sensation of cold skin not to petrify him, to have new memories associated with the feeling, better memories, “Wish I could say they’re getting better, but they’re still the fucking _worst.”_

“You wanna talk about ‘em?”

He shrugged and closed his eyes, “They’re just really shitty dreams with a lot of shitty things I don’t ever wanna think about again.”

“I hear ya, beloved. You ever wanna sit down an’ talk about ‘em though – anythin’ really – let a motherfucker know an’ we can get our righteous chatter onto that shit.”

Karkat snickered and smiled, taking a deep breath and then letting it out slow and tired, “Maybe later.” He still hadn’t just… talked about the shit going on in his head, things that happened to him, and for now that’s how he liked it: In the past.

Eventually he managed to drag himself out of the slime, readying himself for the night, even if that night would only consist of passing time reading on Gamzee’s upright respite platform, maybe cooking something decent for dinner in the morning. The last weeks felt so wonderfully domestic in a way he’d never thought he would enjoy before the beginning of his three sweeps of hell. It’s little things like taking pleasure in sitting quietly in the same block as Gamzee, talking to friends over his new husktop, catching up with people almost like nothing had ever changed.

He got antsy though with nothing that immediately needed attention. Gamzee would go out from time to time and return with some sort of food he picked up from the town over. Usually it was things that he could put in a pot, boil, and find that it didn’t taste horrible. Karkat helped in the nutrition block from time to time, slowly relearning his amateur ability to cook, pointing out that if Gamzee would add some spice or other it would taste better, taking charge of cooking the meat so that they didn’t end up with food poisoning like that one miserable night a couple weeks ago.

From time to time they’d find themselves curled up together on the upright respite platform, Karkat with a book in hand while Gamzee read scripture. He’d look up from his book to watch Gamzee mouthing the words in his book, whispering them out loud when he seemed particularly lost in his faith. Some nights they’d hide away in Gamzee’s block, nestled into his pile with a movie on, during which Karkat usually watched with rapt attention while Gamzee dozed off with one arm draped around his shoulders.

They were pale in all but name by this point.

Karkat might drop a plate and the world would come crashing down around him and Gamzee would gently reassure him that it was alright, that nothing bad was going to happen, that he’d just get a new plate and he’d sit Karkat down on the upright respite platform, bring him something warm to drink and a blanket and would quickly clean up the mess before returning to him and letting him cry himself out to numbness and just stay wrapped up in a blanket at Gamzee’s side.

There were evenings that Karkat would knock on Gamzee’s door and peek into his block to find him wiping away tears and putting on a smile, “Didn’t hear ya knock, brother. C’mon in.”

“Is something wrong?”

Gamzee would sigh and shake his head, “Nothin’ a brother’s gotta up an’ get his worry onto.”

His pusher would ache and he’d nod, but not push him for more. Instead, he’d make dinner that evening and set one of Gamzee’s shitty sodas outside his door for him.

Quietly, they slipped into a comfortable routine and, quietly, they found themselves falling into a quadrant quicker than they could stop it.

It was one of the days that Gamzee slept on his pile and Karkat dragged himself from his own block, tired and reeling from dayterrors to flop down next to him, just to be near someone so comfortable. Today had heralded a particularly bad dayteror. He crawled into the pile beside Gamzee and clenched his eyes shut, clutching the back of Gamzee’s shirt and trying to take deep breaths, still shaking and gritting his teeth together tight. Gamzee stirred and grumbled, rolling over on the pile toward him. He couldn’t tell whether Gamzee had actually woken, but his hand moved to rest on Karkat’s cheek, stroking his thumb back and forth over his warm skin, still wet with tear tracks, letting out a soft sleepy “shhh” as he drew his thumb over Karkat’s cheek. His hand moved to the top of Karkat’s head and began to rub a thumb into the base of one of his horns.

Karkat froze.

He continued to quiver, but with a hand around his horn he didn’t dare move, tense and losing what little control he’d regained over his breathing.

_Cold hands yanking his head by his horns, forcing him to bare his most vulnerable point to someone he absolutely did not trust._

He didn’t immediately understand why he could feel adrenaline coursing through him, why he was shaking. As soon as it processed, he shoved at Gamzee’s chest, growling under his breath and baring his teeth.

“G’off me,” He mumbled and eventually stumbled back off the pile.

Gamzee blinked the sleep from his tired eyes and frowned, face bare of paint in the midday light while Karkat’s breathing grew labored and too deep. It ached in his thoracic cavity and up into his collarbones. His head felt too light and every motion had his eyes darting to make sure it wasn’t a threat.

“Hey, what’s-” Gamzee started, pushing himself up into a sitting position with one hand and rubbing at his eyes with the other, “What’s wrong, beloved?”

_Beloved._

That word and Gamzee’s voice helped to slowly bring him back down even through his racing pusher, his cheeks still wet and red with tears after his dayterror, lips pulled back over dull pointed teeth. As the world began fading back to normal all he could think to say was, “Horns.”

“Horns.”

He nodded slowly, gritting his teeth, trying to force his pan back into a place where he could form complete thoughts and sentences instead of fragmented fear and anger.

“Don’t-” His breath whistled through his throat, “Don’t touch my horns.” He remained hunched over, hands curled into claws, tension refusing to leave him.

_Hands clapping over his horns, blacking out at the pain and waking up with ropes around his wrists and please no, please not again._

“Okay,” Gamzee responded, quiet and gentle and direct as he crawled out of the pile towards Karkat, slow and tentative as if he might frighten him off, “Do you want me to touch you right now? What can a motherfucker up an’ do for ya?”

“Don’t touch me,” He muttered, backing up one step at a time and taking a deep breath, bracing one hand on the edge of the coon and stumbling in the dim, blinding light of the early afternoon.

“Okay.”

“But don’t- I don’t wanna be alone right now.”

Gamzee nodded, “Alright. You up an’ tell me what all I can do t’make shit easier. Won’t touch your horns again. You wanna sit in the pile? I can get up an’-”

“Yes, but- you don’t have to move, just- don’t move.” Karkat took a deep breath, standing in silence by the coon, letting his eyes fall shut as he just breathed, his death grip on the edge of the coon loosening until he started to tentatively approach the pile where Gamzee sat. He settled into one side of the pile, upsetting the balance of a few empty pots of paint and juggling clubs which toppled to accommodate for the impression left by his ass. He let out an exhausted sigh, still quivering, but more exhausted than panicked now.

“Sorry I woke you.”

Gamzee shook his head, even as he yawned, “Ain’t a thing, brother. Ain’t a motherfuckin’ thing.”

For almost ten minutes the two of them sat quietly in the dim light while Karkat gathered himself again and reached a hand out to take Gamzee’s in his own, startling the clown and, in response, himself. They stared at each other before snickering tiredly. Karkat scooted closer to him in the pile, pulling him down to cuddle up for the day.

After a few moments, Gamzee cleared his throat and spoke up, “Beloved? I… think we should talk about the shit what scares you. I ain’t wanna fuck up like that again, y’know?”

Karkat sighed and nodded, rolling over in the pile to face him, “I guess part of the problem is that I don’t… I’m not always sure what’s gonna fuck with me.”

Gamzee bobbed his head once and sat back in the pile, stroking back and forth over Karkat’s knuckles with his thumb as he thought, “What if I could… ask ya questions an’ shit? Might not get all a’ the shit we oughta cover, but it might make it easier to think about in smaller pieces.”

“Okay,” he mumbled, “Okay, we can try it.”

“Alright, um…” He sighed, “Fuck, I guess we gotta figure out a good place to start an’ shit.” His head tipped back against the wall propping up the pile, “I guess… are there any other places on your body you ain’t want a motherfucker touchin’ asides from a brother’s horns?”

He had to consider it, take mental stock of his own body, on where was terrifying, where felt good, where felt safe.

“Don’t touch my throat or collarbones. Don’t… I mean- try to ask before touching me at all really. Don’t touch my mouth. Don’t… I guess don’t grab me?”

“Okay, don’t touch you ‘round the neck an’ chest area too much, don’t touch your mouth, don’t grab ya, ask ‘fore touchin’ you,” Gamzee repeated back to him, listing each request out and counting them on his fingers, “Are there other words you don’t like hearin’? Like how shit’s bad with your name?”

Again, he considered, furrowing his eyebrows and thinking through the words that echoed.

_Karkat._

_Pet._

_Mine._

“I know we’ve been… kind of dancing around paleness,” He began, “But don’t ever call me yours. I mean like… don’t explicitly say “mine” to me. Possessiveness in general is a huge blaring alarm.” He paused again in thought turned his face into the pile with a sigh before speaking again, “Also I’m… thinking about it and If we ever decide to pile, don’t lay on top of me. Or hold me down unless it’s really _really_ for my own safety or something. Also don’t… don’t grab my hips.”

Gamzee nodded along and again repeated his needs back to him before whispering quietly, “Is there anythin’ I can do ta make things easier for ya in general?”

He thought about it a while, “I think you’re already doing plenty to make this whole clusterfuck easier on me.” He curled up closer to Gamzee and tucked his head under his chin, “And at this point I’m too tired to continue this conversation in any way that’s gonna be actually helpful.”

Gamzee snickered, “Can I kiss your forehead, bro?”

“Go for it.”

Gamzee’s cool lips pressed to his forehead and Karkat let out a contented sigh, “G’day, Gamzee.”

“G’day, beloved. Get some good shuteye, motherfucker. Lemme know in the evenin’ if you think a’ anythin’ what’ll help ya.”

“Mhm.”

Karkat closed his eyes to drift off to sleep next to Gamzee, curled up against him and wondering if maybe, technically, that might have been their first pile since they started dancing around pale.

If it was, he liked it.


	2. Coping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things may be better, but alternia is a harsh place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrives a year late with coffee. Chapter is shorter than the previous one, but this is a transition chapter so hopefully the next one will be a little bulkier. Thank you so much for your patience and kind comments! I'm always so excited to work on this fic even if it's a bit of a beast to get through!
> 
> TW for Dissociation/Mild psychosis, Non-consensual nudity, Physical violence, Degrading language, and some Not entirely PG pale cuddling shit. No sexual content in the chapter though.

Routine came more easily than Karkat had ever expected it to. Even after only another few weeks everything fell into place like clockwork. Every evening, Karkat would wake up and either Gamzee would already be in the nutrition block starting on breakfast, or Karkat would wake up with Gamzee still draped around his shoulders and he'd get up to go make breakfast himself. He'd hear Gamzee praying in the mornings before they retired for the light. Once a week, a few hours after the sun had set, Gamzee would drag himself out of the hive and return two or three hours later with food from the local pickup depot. Almost two perigees into his stay with Gamzee and already they'd settled into a comfortable and predictable routine.

The sun had set a few hours ago and they sat together at the table in the nutrition block, Karkat with a mouthful of grubloaf and Gamzee gathering up his dishes to go rinse off in the sink. It was something Gamzee's done more and more since Karkat arrived. 

With the dishes clean and away, Gamzee grabbed the keys to the scuttle, "Be back in few hours, bro. Call me if a motherfucker needs anythin'." He picked up his jacket – another thing that only began since Karkat moved in  – and made his way towards the front door, "Want anythin' from the pickup?"

Karkat swallowed the grubloaf in his mouth and shrugged his shoulders. Asking for things he wanted still left him nervous from time to time, but at least tonight he couldn't think of anything off the top of his head that he might want from the depot, "Nothing tonight."

"A'ight," Gamzee nodded and headed out the door, "Message me on trollian 'f a motherfucker thinks a' anythin'." And with that the door swung shut, leaving Karkat with his regularly scheduled time to himself. 

It wasn't that he disliked Gamzee's company, absolutely not, sometimes it was just nice to be alone in the quiet of the hive listening to the wind rolling off the ocean and up the beach. Sometimes it was nice to have time to himself, it was easier to stop policing his every action when there was no one around but himself. He picked up his dishes and scrubbed them clean before putting them away and retiring to his block to sit and read, maybe see if Sollux, Aradia, or Tavros were online. 

He settled into his pile which had begun to grow when he started squirreling away blankets and pillows from Gamzee's recreation block into it. Sollux and Aradia both appeared to be offline, which left him messaging Tavros about whether it would be secure enough for them to play an online card game together without giving away everyone on the ship to the Empire.

CG: I JUST DON'T WANT YOU ALL TO GET CULLED BECAUSE WE DECIDED IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO PLAY A GAME OF *CARDS* OVER THE INTERNET THAN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU GUYS DON'T END UP SIGNALING SOME SCOUT FROM THE FLEET THAT THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON IN YOUR AREA, YOU KNOW?

AT: yEAH I KNOW, i MIGHT TALK TO SOLLUX ABOUT IT,,,

AT: bECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MIGHT UHHH,,, kINDA WANT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN LAY AROUND GAMZEE'S HIVE ALL THE TIME,

AT: nOT THAT IT SOUNDS AWFUL OR ANYTHING, jUST KINDA BORING,,,?

CG: YEAH NO TALKING TO YOU AND YOURS IS PRETTY MUCH THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY NIGHT MOST OF THE TIME. UNLESS GAMZEE'S BEING HIS INCONCEIVABLY ROMANTIC SELF AND PULLS SOME RIDICULOUS SHIT OUT HIS ASS TO REMIND ME THAT I'M THE LITERAL LUCKIEST TROLL ALIVE?

CG: AND IF YOU TELL *ANYONE* I SAID THAT I'M GONNA FLIP MY SHIT. LIKE SHOVE THAT SPATULA UNDER THE CHARRED SURFACE OF MY SHIT AND JUST YANK THAT FUCKER UP INTO THE AIR. IT MIGHT EVEN FLIP MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE LANDING QUITE SQUARELY BACK ON THE FUCKING GRIDDLE, YOU GOT IT?

AT: uHHH,,, i THINK I GOT A LITTLE LOST IN THERE, bUT YEAH I GOT IT,

CG: WE ACTUALLY SHOULD ASK SOLLUX ABOUT THE SAFETY OF PLAYING ONLINE CARD GAMES THOUGH.

AT: dEFINITELY! }:D

AT: aRE YOU PLANNING ON EVER SHOWING UP TO THE SHIP?

AT: i WAS JUST WONDERING BECAUSE IT WOULD BE COOL TO GET TO SEE YOU FOR REAL!

AT: pLUS, tHERE'S WAAYYY MORE STUFF TO DO HERE,

CG: I DON'T REALLY KNOW YET. IF I WANTED TO STAY WITHIN THE BOUNDS OF THE LAW, WHICH AT THIS POINT I REALLY COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT, I'D HAVE TO GO WITH GAMZEE WHEREVER HE DECIDES TO GO AFTER ASCENSION.

CG: IT'S A DECISION I'VE BEEN TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT TOO MUCH IF I'M BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF HERE.

AT: wELL THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU COULDN'T UMMM,,, vISIT US SOMETIME,,,

CG: WOULDN'T THAT BE KINDA RISKY?

AT: wE ALL KIND OF,,, sIGNED ON FOR RISK WHEN WE LEFT THE PLANET ILLEGALLY? sO,,, iT DOESN'T *REALLY* MATTER THAT MUCH,

CG: SHIT. I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT ONE, THEN. I MEAN WE'VE STILL GOT ANOTHER COUPLE PERIGEES BEFORE ASCENSION NIGHT THOUGH, RIGHT?

AT: yEAH,,, yOU DEFINITELY HAVE,,, uHH, sOME  TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT!

A soft shuffling sound from down the hall drew Karkat's attention from his conversation. He glanced up from his palmhusk, frowning as he tried to discern whether it'd been his imagination or not. It wasn't unusual for him to hear sounds that Gamzee didn't, especially in the late morning when the sounds of the Daywalkers outside aggravated his pan. It wasn't unusual for him to look up, realize he was hallucinating, ignore it, and return to what he'd been doing.

He was about to return to messaging Tavros when he heard something again, this time he could distinctly make out the sound of hushed voices. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to stand up and go take a look to remind his pan that it wasn't real when he reached the door to his block and realized that he recognized one of the voices, but it wasn't one he could put his finger on. He furrowed his eyebrows and quietly locked his door.

AT: wE'D ALL LOVE TO HAVE YOU IF YOU WANNA COME SOMETIME!

AT: i KNOW ERIDAN AND FEFERI BOTH WANT TO SEE YOU!

AT: tHEY'RE ALWAYS ASKING ABOUT YOU,

CG: HEY, UM. THIS IS ENTIRELY UNRELATED, BUT GAMZEE ISN'T AROUND RIGHT NOW. CAN I CALL YOU OR SOMETHING AND CAN YOU TELL ME IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING? AND JUST… DON'T SAY ANYTHING? JUST HANG UP AND MESSAGE ME BACK IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

AT: uHHH,,, i GUESS I CAN DO THAT?

CG: OKAY I'M GONNA CALL YOU.

He held out his palmhusk towards the door as he switched to a secure call channel and as soon as Tavros picked up switched it over to speaker as the sound of footsteps and whispering seemed to come closer to the door. After a few moments, he thought he heard the jiggling of a doorknob down the hall and Tavros hung up.

AT: i CAN'T *REALLY* TELL, bUT UHHH,,, i THINK I COULD HEAR SOMETHING?

AT: i DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS JUST YOU MOVING AROUND THOUGH OR NOT.

CG: FUCK OKAY.

CG: I GOTTA GO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT] at 11:57

AT: iS EVERYTHING OKAY?

AT: }:/

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:57

Karkat fumbled with his palmhusk, opening up a chat with Gamzee and backing away from the door.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] at 11:58

CG: GAMZEE, IT MIGHT BE JUST MY PAN PLAYING TRICKS ON ME, BUT I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HIVE.

CG: I'M HOLED UP IN MY BLOCK AND I'M GONNA HIDE IN THE CLOSET, BUT PLEASE COME HOME QUICK.

He quietly made his way towards the closet, crawling in behind one of the sliding doors and holding his breath and just hoping it was his pan and not an actual fucking break in.

Soon he could hear voices from the other side of his door, so much closer than before and the door handle rattled as someone on the other side shook it.

A low chuckle sent a shiver down Karkat's back.

"We know you're in there, mutie," a voice from beyond the door sing-songed, "If you come unlock this door, we'll be gentle with you."

With both hands he typed out a message to Gamzee in the hopes that he hadn't gotten all the way to the depot yet.

CG: GAMZEE THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HIVE.

CG: PLEASE COME HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT I'M JUST HOLED UP IN MY CLOSET.

CG: PLEASE COME HOME.

_ BANG! _

He jumped. His palmhusk  dropped to the floor with a thud. 

_ BANG! _

Again, Karkat jumped, pusher racing. He put a hand over his mouth, trying to keep from breathing too loudly when a third blow resulted in the metallic  _ clunk _ of the doorknob falling onto the floor as the door swung open. 

He stopped breathing. He could hear footsteps. Footsteps all in and around his block -  _ his _ block. 

"Come out, come out, you know we'll find you."

Briefly, the sickles he'd tucked away into the closet beckoned to him, but he couldn't force himself to move, to reach out and pick them up. Even if he could pick them up, he wouldn't be able to fight anyone much higher than him on the spectrum. He may be at a fuller healthier weight, but he had sweeps of malnourishment he's been fighting, sweeps of being kept weak and unable to fight back.

With a low rumbling, the door to his closet slid open and he stared up into the face of a blueblood he recognized, but couldn't quite place at first. It wasn't until she spoke again that he realized where he knew her from.

"And what did you think you were going to achieve by hiding, slave?"

The blueblood from the auction hive. The one who'd shown up and tried to barter with Gamzee for him.

His digestion sac dropped as she pulled a slender reed of wood from her belt. His skin  _ burned _ just at the sight of it. His eyes traveled to see behind her, to get a look at the rest of the block, to see if he could make a bolt for the door, but a seadweller and a smaller, greener blueblood blocked the path.

With nowhere to run and the sound of wood cracking over the blueblood woman's palm he bared all of his teeth and lashed out, catching the front of her shins with a set of claws and scrambling for one of his sickles.

_ Thwap! _

He yelped at the searing pain over his right cheek, gripped the handle of his sickle, and tried to retreat into the opposite, closed side of the closet. A hand on the back of his sweater began dragging him back.

"Oh no you don't, get back here!"

He clawed at the floor of the closet, only to be dragged back out, snarling, and tossed into the middle of the block between the three Highblood's.

"One of you, get his arms."

Karkat's eyes darted between the three of them. He couldn't fight them all off; he knew that. He also knew he couldn't make it to the door, and that he didn't know when Gamzee would be home, and most importantly he knew that he couldn't go back. 

His eyes caught on the seadweller and the sight of him set all of him on edge. All seadwellers looked a little the same to him, it was something about the fins and the sharper features. They all resembled Hydrus and if he only looked at this one in passing, he almost looked the same. The circle glasses, the short cropped hair, the lean seadweller build. When the seadweller approached him he froze. It was practically involuntary.

_ Karkat, if you don't shut up and do as you're told, I'm going to make you  _ wish _ you were dead. _

He yelped as his distraction gave the bigger blueblood the leeway to strike the hand clutching the sickle with the switch, "Drop it."

Instinctively, he did.

"Now there's a good boy."

Teeth bared, he turned on her only for the seadweller to snatch his arms from his sides and pull them behind him. Karkat struggled against the cold hands restraining him, eyes widening as they dragged him backward and he couldn't do this  _ he couldn't do this. _ They were on all sides of him and it felt crushing and hopeless. He couldn't breathe.

"No!" His back pressed up against the seadweller's front and he jerked against his unrelenting grip to no avail. This wasn't happening, this- it felt too much like Hydrus's hands and body, felt too much like horrible days tossed around and played with and treated like less than a troll.

The blueblood approached again and looked Karkat over, "That stripe on his face is unfortunate, but it'll heal. I don't want him too damaged. He's supposed to be exotic. A luxury."

A low rumble against his back and that stupid seadweller accent that made his skin crawl drifted out over his head.

"This woulda gone smoother if you'd a' just tranq'd him like I suggested."

She shook her head at him, "No, then he'd be groggy waking up. He'll be more engaging when he's jumpy like this. Strip him down, I want to make sure he's not damaged any more than that."

Karkat jerked again, shaking his head furiously. The troll holding him in place sounded too much like Him, looked too much like Him, felt too much like Him. He knew that Hydrus wouldn't come looking for him like this after having sold him off, but an irrational part of his pan insisted,  _ Your master is back for you and now you're never going to be free. Your master is back and you've been disobedient and ungrateful for the last two perigees. He's going to punish you for every infraction you've made. _

He crumbled and gritted his teeth, "No- No you can't Gamzee won't let- He won't- This is- this is theft." It hurt to say it, to be reminded what he was, at least on paper. It was the only thing he could think to say to make it stop. Seadwellers rarely faced consequences for their actions, even if they were crimes. He could hope that it would at least shake the bluebloods to be reminded that they were technically stealing from a subjugglator in training.

"This one really does talk too much," The blueblood said as the smaller one approached and began pulling Karkat's sweater up over his head, "The little freak thinks that we'll get in trouble for this." 

The low chuckle that filled the room sent chills down his spine.

"Cute," Said the seadweller behind him, "As if the money we make off renting you out to the highest bidder won't be enough of a bribe for any  _ real _ authorities, if they even get involved."

The smaller blueblood finished removing his sweater, leaving Karkat shivering in the presence of the three coldbloods, slowly ceasing his struggle as he realized just what this meant: There was nothing he could do.

"Top half doesn't look too damaged. Scarring isn't bad. Turn him around, let me see his back."

Karkat let himself go limp. There was nothing he could do anymore, he was being shipped back into the life he'd just escaped.

The blueblood hissed at the sight of his back, "Alright, we'll just have to make sure they don't take him from behind." 

"Should we get going and do the rest of this during the commute?" The smaller blueblood asked.

The larger one shook her head, "The clown is usually out for two or three hours, we've got about forty-five minutes before we should even  _ start _ to worry. Let's see the bottom half."

Karkat couldn't pinpoint when he stopped thinking and started crying. He couldn't pinpoint when he ceased to understand where he was, just that it felt like every horrible moment of the last three sweeps doubling down on him as they stripped him down and appraised him like livestock. He didn't know when it started feeling like he was just floating outside it all, watching himself be handled by a seadweller his pan kept trying to insist was Hydrus.

It might have been when the clothes he'd been wearing ended up all discarded on the floor. It might have been when the rope wrapped around his wrists. It might have been when the gag fitted between his teeth. It might have been when the leather collar wrapped around his throat. It might have been when the leash tugged him along and outside toward the big Transport Scuttle.

He didn't think about the last two perigees, in fact he managed to hardly remember them at all as the seadweller led him around the back of the transport. It would be better to forget them and stop clinging to hope if he was going back. It would be easier to be withdrawn and obedient. It would keep them from hurting him if he showed no more signs of resistance. 

He'd nearly convinced himself that the past two perigees never even happened, which made it very difficult for him to understand just what the fuck was going on when Gamzee's scuttle came hurtling towards the transport.

Karkat stared ahead at the wreckage before him. What happened? There were bits of the larger transport scattered around the ground. The world felt muted. He could hear a voice speaking to him, but it didn't seem to process. He kept his eyes downcast. It was better to avoid issuing a challenge on accident. He'd likely be hit for his unresponsiveness, but it would be better to take the beating for stupidity than accidentally convince Hydrus that he was fighting him again.

_ "Beloved?" _

The word drifted through him and sparked something in him. That was familiar. It wasn't a word he'd heard anyone use except-

_ Gamzee. _

Karkat finally lifted his eyes and stared up at Gamzee, puzzling. 

"Brother, I'm gonna touch you to get a motherfucker untied an' uncollared, alright?"

Vacantly, Karkat nodded, not quite sure what he was being told until Gamzee began unwrapping rope from his wrists. He flinched away at first, but Gamzee's hands were gentle as they tugged the knots apart, and then his cool fingers came up to unclasp the gag in his mouth, tossing it aside. He'd done this before. Gamzee had unbound Karkat before. When?

"Gamzee?" He watched as the gag bounced along the pavement and Gamzee's hands slid down to his neck to unclasp the collar.

"Yeah, yeah it's me, brother, it's okay, let's get you inside now."

The collar fell with a muted thud to the ground and Gamzee's hand on his back urged him towards the hive. 

Stutteringly, Karkat followed, eyes lifting up to look at the hive, trying to place himself, figure out just what was going on, where he was, what he was doing. The door creaked open and his eyes came to rest on Gamzee's hands and he frowned at the amount of violet and blue there, mixing into a deep purple, "Are you bleeding?"

"Nah, brother. Let's get you cleaned up an' dressed again."

The hive felt unreal and as Gamzee guided him through it and back towards his respiteblock, Karkat found himself reaching out at the walls to assure himself that they were there. He stared down at the broken lock on the door to his block, scrutinizing it and then turning to look up at Gamzee, "What happened? Are we… this is your hive, right?"

Gamzee was quiet for a moment before pushing the door open and ushering Karkat inside, "You don't remember?"

Karkat frowned. Maybe he did? Some bits and pieces, but they felt disjointed, like memories from sweeps and sweeps ago. 

With a sigh Gamzee shook his head, "Some most unrighteous motherfuckers broke in, tried to steal a brother away again. We're in the hive.  _ Our _ hive." Gamzee paused again and reached out to tentatively take Karkat's hands, fixing him with a concerned stare, "Beloved, d'you remember what happened? Did they- There anywhere you're hurtin' aside from your face?"

He had to think, staring at Gamzee and certainly he could pick the events back up, two bluebloods and a seadweller had cornered him in his block. He reached a hand up to his cheek where the blueblood had struck him with the switch, "I- I remember what happened, but I don't think this is-" It didn't feel real. This all felt like a sick day terror finally turning sour, maybe he was still under the water, stuck with Hydrus, "You're Gamzee." It felt the same way it did when his pan played tricks on him and he heard things that weren't there, "You're Gamzee and- What sweep is it?"

"2,814, beloved. Brother, what's- How can I help? You seem like you're somewhere else."

"Maybe I am? Nothing feels real." He gripped tighter to Gamzee's hands, "It feels like you're here though."

"This is real, I promise it's real, bro. I'm here you're here. Can I help you get dressed, best friend?"

Karkat nodded, staring across the block and up at his sweaters, "Yes, please. This feels too much like under the water."

Gamzee stood, letting go of Karkat's hands and making his way across the block to pull a sweater off one of the hangers and a pair of sweatpants out of the set of drawers in the corner and pressed them into Karkat's arms. 

Karkat rubbed his thumbs into the fabric and let his eyes fall shut, taking a deep breath, "I'm allowed to put these on, right? I'm not under the water."

"That's right, brother. Ain't ever gonna be back there long's you live 'f I can help it."

The thick fabric of the pants and sweatshirt were soft against his skin and he clutched at the ends of the sleeves, curling his claws into them. Claws. Not clipped short anymore.

"Is this a dream? It feels like a day terror."

"It ain't. C'mon, best beloved, you wanna sit down? You got a mighty fine pile behind you."

It was with some surprise that Karkat turned to see his pile settled against the side of his coon and he moved to flop down into it, curling up and burrowing into the mass of blankets, sweaters, books, CD cases, and whatever else he'd decided to shove in this mess. 

"Gamzee, can you come sit down with me?"

"A' course, palest love." 

The weight of Gamzee settling on the pile next to him felt grounding in a way that the rest of the world didn't and Karkat reached a hand over to grip around one of Gamzee's wrists. The block around him felt wrong, like he hadn't seen it before, even though he knows logically he's lived here for several perigees now. 

"Can I hold you, brother?"

Karkat nodded and when Gamzee's arms wrapped around his shoulders, he scooted himself into his lap and tucked his head under Gamzee's chin.

"This doesn't feel real," He whispered, "I feel like I'm gonna wake up at the foot of his platform or in the cellar." He was  _ here. _ Or at least he thought he was here. Hands that cold and cruel had to be Hydrus's.

And for a long time they were just quiet. Karkat clung tight to Gamzee's shirt, like he might just slip away if he let go, and it felt like he just might, like if he let go he would wake up and nothing would have changed, he'd still be enslaved to a seadweller who couldn't care less for his well-being. For almost two hours Karkat stayed curled up next to Gamzee, mumbling from time to time to ask where they were when he forgot, to ask what sweep it was when it escaped him, to ask whether this was a dream.

After two hours he ended up asleep in Gamzee's arms, a low constant growling rumbling in his throat while his moirail rocked him and buried his nose in his hair, murmuring soft reassurances against his scalp.

* * *

adiosToreador [AT] opened memo "kARKAT PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS AS SOON AS YOU SEE IT!!!" on board Secure Ship Chat: Lowblood Edition

AT: aRE YOU OKAY???

AT: sAW YOU WERE, uHH,,, oNLINE AGAIN? WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo

TA: what the fuck happened?

TA: tv ha2 been freakiing the fuck out for the la2t four hour2

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo

AA: yeah! is everything 0kay?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo

CG: IT'S COMPLICATED.

CG: I GUESS THE IMPORTANT PART IS THAT I'M SAFE, BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT TO GET INTO THE GORY DETAILS.

AT: yOU TOTALLY DON'T HAVE TO,,,

AA: i'm s0 glad t0 hear y0u are safe!

AA: and if y0u need t0 talk we are always here!

TA: yeah kk let u2 know iif you need anythiing.

CG: SORRY I'M JUST WAKING UP FROM AN IMPROMPTU NAP AFTER DEALING WITH SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT, THIS IS KIND OF A LOT RIGHT NOW. I'M GOING TO GO.

AA: 0h!

AA: 0f c0urse!

AT: yEAH DEFINITELY DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO!

TA: iit'2 really not liike we're goiing anywhere.

CG: THANKS. I'LL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.

AT closed memo

Karkat tossed his palmhusk aside and shifted in Gamzee's arms, taking a slow deep breath before gently shaking one of Gamzee's arms, "Gamzee?" With a grumble Gamzee's eyes fluttered open and he offered Karkat a smile.

"Whatcha need, brother?"

"Can we move to your 'coon?" He mumbled against Gamzee's chest, "Don't wanna sleep here today." Usually, he'd at least try to sleep on his own and then move to Gamzee's in the middle of the day when he inevitably woke up from a day terror shaking and craving the presence of someone he could trust. Today, he knew he wanted to feel safe, and he certainly wouldn't feel safe back in his own respite block with the lock busted off his door.

Gamzee nodded with a low sigh and started to sit up a little, "Want me to carry you, best beloved?"

Karkat's voice came soft and small, "Yes please."

"Alright, gonna pick you up now, palest." And Gamzee's arms wrapped under his knees and lifted him up around the shoulders before he stood from the pile. With his foot, Gamzee nudged the door out into the hall open and carried Karkat into the hive's other respite block. Gingerly, Gamzee lowered Karkat down into the 'coon and Karkat curled up towards the far edge, making room for Gamzee to climb in next to him. 

They still hadn't talked about what happened. He didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to think about it. Not tonight at least. Not this morning. 

He'd just gotten comfortable, curled up against Gamzee's chest, head tucked under his chin when Gamzee spoke up.

"Scared me somethin' awful, beloved."

It sank like a rock in his stomach, "I'm sorry."

Gamzee sighed and shook his head, "It ain't your fault, I just... I didn't know what happened to you. Still don't know what happened. Was like a brother weren't even there, gone off somewhere far away an' I didn't know if you were comin' back." 

Karkat could feel the quivering in Gamzee's chest and he made a low crooning to him because that fear and worry ached in his thoracic cavity, "Felt that way, too." 

"Can you," Gamzee began, "Can you tell a motherfucker what happened?"

Karkat's eyebrows furrowed and he nodded slowly, trying to work out how to word just what had happened, "You mean about… the break in? Or afterwards?"

"Both, really."

There was a moment of silence while Karkat tried to gather his thoughts up, tried to organize them so that he could talk to his moirail about what happened. Thoughts came to him fragmented, broken up by uncertainty of what happened, whether parts had been real or not. He opened and closed his mouth a number of times as he tried to piece together the shards of memories so that he could explain it before finally clearing his throat, "I was just talking to Tavros. We were talking about asking Sollux if it would be safe to play online card games together and I thought I heard something outside the door.

"I hallucinate all the time, especially bumping sounds, so I didn't really think about it at first, but it just kept getting closer and you weren't around for me to do a quick reality check so it just… It freaked me out bad and I called Tavros to ask him if he could hear anything. He wasn't sure but he thought he did and that was enough for my paranoid pan and I just hid in the closet.

"They broke into my respite block," He curled his fingers into fists against Gamzee's chest and he could feel an all too familiar anger bubbling up in his thorax, "Broke into my space and when they found me I-... I fought back," There's some amount of pride in being able to say that even if he hadn't been successful, even if he had been terrified and only lashed out in desperation, that he'd been strong enough to at least try to fight back, "The blueblood woman from the auction hive – the one you outbid – she hit me with a switch and dragged me out of the closet." From here all his memory starts to go fuzzy, "I don't really remember what happened after that, I was just terrified and Hydrus was there. Or… I think he was. They started talking about me like they did under the water. Started talking about me like I wasn't there and I didn't know what to do. I thought that maybe I'd just dreamt the last couple perigees. I thought maybe I was waking up from a dream or a fantasy or something. I don't remember much of what else happened until you showed up and everything felt-" He couldn't describe it. Now he knew that what he was experiencing was all real, but it certainly didn't feel that way. "It felt like I was slipping. Like I was just sliding around unstuck from reality. It was like the world couldn't decide where I was supposed to be. If I was with Hydrus again, or if I was here. I couldn't tell and I didn't know where I was and I was so scared that you'd vanish and I'd be all alone or back with Hydrus."

Gamzee's kept him grounded with cool hands hugging around his shoulders, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to help, brother. I'm sorry it took me so mother  _ fuckin' _ long to get back to you."

"It wasn't your fault." He swallowed back the lump growing in his throat and even in only the presence of his moirail he felt too naked again, even in his boxers and slime-soaked sweater he felt vulnerable, like he'd shown Gamzee a large gash through his gut, "Just… Hold me for now." He didn't want to think about what happened anymore tonight. He wanted to let his moirail cradle him as he fell to sleep next to him. He wanted to fall asleep feeling whole instead of like a tired, broken shell of himself.

"Karbro?"

He hummed tiredly back to him.

"What do you need from a motherfucker if you start feelin'... all motherfuckin' detached like that again?"

He didn't really know off the top of his head, too tired to think through it well and he sighed, "I don't know… I just need- I need you to tell me where I am… who I am… because I couldn't tell when I was like that."

"Tell ya like… where it is you're at An' all that? What 'bout your name?"

Karkat frowned, sinking lower in the slime and sighing. He was too exhausted to have the answers to those questions right now and he just closed his eyes and turned to tuck himself into Gamzee's shoulder, "Can we talk about this in the evening? It's been a rough night."

For a moment there was nothing but silence and he could feel Gamzee's pusher speed up in his thoracic cavity before he sighed and nodded, "Okay, we'll talk come evenin'. You wake me if you need anythin', alright?"

Karkat let out a breath of relief, "Okay."

"Pale as bones for you."

Already his eyes had begun to droop shut and he mumbled against Gamzee's chest, "Pale's the fuckin' stars."

* * *

It's rare that he wakes up gasping, pupils narrowed to slits, teeth bared in his moirail's 'coon. It's rare that he wakes scrambling away from Gamzee because it's all too close and he's so cold and for a moment he thought that he couldn't escape. It's rare that he wakes up and sees Gamzee as nothing more than another highblood out to hurt him. After all, Gamzee is his moirail and has done everything in his power to help keep him safe.

Unfortunately rarely doesn't mean never. 

He woke up in the middle of the day with his pusher pounding fast in his chest, eyes wide with fear and anger, lips pulled back over pointed teeth, staring at Gamzee and trying to determine whether he's a threat. One hand rested firmly against the center of Gamzee's thorax which rose and fell so gently beneath it, claws pressing against cool skin, but not enough to cut or even to hurt. 

After only a few moments, purple eyes fluttered open to gaze sleepily down into the neon green slime and then panned up to meet red ones. Only the sound of tense breathing filled the block. Karkat's eyes darted about, trying to keep tabs on where this highblood's claws were. Were his teeth bared? Were his long curling horns bearing down in a threat? Could he see the signs of rage in his eyes? Almost a minute passed before Gamzee's mouth opened. Karkat's claws bit into Gamzee's skin at the sight of teeth, but all that came was Gamzee's groggy voice asking, "Brother, you gone an' had another day terror?"

Karkat's eyes widened in recognition. His locked elbow went slack and his hand slid down Gamzee's thorax back into the slime. He hung his head and chewed his lips between his teeth as a slick slime-covered hand rose to stroke a thumb over his upper arm.

"Fuck- Fuck, I'm so sorry," He stammered.

"Hey, hey bro, it's okay, you ain't hurt a motherfucker none." Gamzee's hand dropped to take Karkat's and squeeze it gently, "You wanna come lay back down? Still got a few hours 'fore sunset." 

A slow breath rattled through his thorax. For a moment Karkat sat with his eyes closed and shoulders tense before nodding, "Yeah. Yes. Sorry for waking you up."

"Don' be," Gamzee said and looped an arm around his shoulders as the two of them sank down into the slime together.

He settled again under his moirail's chin, trying to find the same safety in his arms as he had when he'd fallen asleep that morning. It felt different now.

It had been a while since he'd last gotten up to clean the nutrition block in the middle of the day, but after lying awake another hour, Karkat climbed out of the 'coon and fumbled his way out into the nutrition block, frantically searching in the light for a sponge and the all-purpose cleaning fluid. 

The sun set on a sparkling nutrition block, counters scrubbed within an inch of their lives. He hadn't even fallen asleep on the floor like he has before, still awake when the sun set and the moons climbed up over the horizon. When he heard Gamzee up and bumping around and the ablution trap screeched as it turned on, he exchanged a sponge and cleaning fluid for grubcake batter and a pan, starting on breakfast without a thought, distracting himself with the smell of food sizzling. 

The sound of footsteps announced Gamzee coming into the nutrition block behind him and Karkat cleared his throat, "I made breakfast."

Gamzee appeared out of the peripheries of his vision and Karkat went to pull down a pair of plates from the cupboard, setting them down on the counter and sliding the grubcakes out of the pan and onto the plates.

"You head back to your 'coon this afternoon, best friend?" Gamzee asked.

He nodded, not trusting himself to lie out loud. His moirail wasn't stupid and he knew that. He didn't want to get into it this evening. There was nothing Gamzee could do to make the constant fear clenched around his pusher go away so why bother him with it?

"Kitchen looks awful clean, bro. How long you been up?"

He pursed his lips and picked up his plate, digging through a drawer for a fork and going to sit at the table in the corner of the nutrition block, "Only a couple hours."

As Gamzee sat, Karkat kept his eyes down, picking through his food and refusing to make eye contact.

"I can try fixin' your door tonight if you want. I know you like havin' the lock on it." Gamzee offered, pushing his own food around on his plate.

"Didn't really help when it came down to it, did it?" Karkat snapped. The silence that followed was suffocating. With a sigh he set down his fork, "I'm sorry, that was mean."

Gamzee shook his head, "A brother's just sayin' a truth."

"No, no," Karkat said, "You were trying to be helpful and I was being an asshole about it. I'm sorry." He buried his face in his hands and leaned his elbows on the table, "I lied. I didn't go back to sleep, I just- I cleaned the whole nutrition block."

He didn't want to look up and see the disappointment or the pity in his moirail's eyes. Didn't want to see the confirmation that he was just a complete irreparable mess.

"Appreciate you tellin' the truth now, brother." 

Still he couldn't look up, "I don't want you to think I'm weak or that I can't handle my own shit."

"You ain't weak," Gamzee insisted, "It ain't your fault what happened. If anythin' it's mine. I shouldn't have left a brother alone in the hive when we knew there was some unrighteous motherfuckers what'd do you harm. I should'a-"

Karkat cut him off with a growl, "That's what I'm talking about! I'm not some grub who needs watching." He clenched his eyes shut tight and gripped his hands in his hair, "I hate feeling like an inconvenience and a burden all the time."

"Beloved," Gamzee began, "You ain't a motherfuckin' burden. An' 'sides that, it ain't… it ain't a  _ bad _ thing to be weak. It's okay to need for help."

"It's more than that, though," Karkat said, "I don't want to have to rely on you just to make it through another night. It's not like you don't have your own shit to work through."

"An' that ain't your  _ fault!" _

"Do you even like having me around? I'm a fucking little black raincloud who makes it so you have to think about the way you  _ exist _ in your own hive. You think I don't know how ridiculously depressing and stressful it must be to be around me 24/7?" 

The silence almost seemed to ring in his ears when he closed his mouth. Karkat sank in his seat, face hot with shame. He'd just yelled at Gamzee. Shouted at him out of his own frustration with himself and he can't even look at him. 

"Bro," Gamzee started. Still Karkat couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes. He spoke so gently to him, it almost made him want to cry.

"If someone else talked about you like that, neither 'f us would fuckin' stand for it. What gives you the right to say that shit about yourself?"

His guts twisted and the world suddenly felt so small and crushing. Karkat pressed his lips together and picked up his fork again to push his food around his plate again in short, tight, little movements, unable to find the words to dispute. After all, he's  _ right. _ Neither of them would stand for that sort of talk about him, not when they both knew how hard he's been trying. 

Gamzee sighed and leaned his elbows on the table, his mop of hair hanging down in his eyes, "Yes, sometimes it's upsettin' to be around you, but I signed up for that. I don't care if you're hardly here at all or if you're almost the way you were 'fore all a' this shit, I will still  _ be _ here for you. I jus' wanna help how I can and it is  _ my  _ business whether I want to keep lookin' out for a brother or not."

Karkat shoved the last bite of grubloaf into his mouth and stood up from the table, taking his fork with and washing his dishes before placing them back where they belonged and bracing his hands against the sink. 

"Thanks, Gamzee," He said, " I appreciate it."

That didn't cover it though. That didn't cover the gratitude and the fear and the self-hatred. It didn't cover how helpless he felt in the face of the rest of his life carrying around what's been done to him. It didn't cover how deeply he needed the help Gamzee so often gave him. 

"I'm just afraid," He admitted, eyes clenched shut tight, "And I'm fucking terrified that I'm going to spend the rest of my life just feeling afraid."

He didn't have to look at his moirail to know the soft look that graced his painted face.

"It's okay to feel afraid, Beloved."

His grip on the counter tightened and he crumpled over it, blinking back tears and gritting his teeth. 

"Can I hold you, palest?" 

He hadn't even realized Gamzee stood up from the table, but he gave a few quick nods of his head and turned to his moirail as cool arms wrapped around his shaking shoulders and he buried his face in Gamzee's chest.

* * *

Some nights it gets to him more than others. He stood looking in the ablution block mirror, narrowing his eyes at the healing welt over his cheek where he'd been struck a few nights prior. It still stung to the touch, but it had at least faded from an angry red to a grayer bruise. He leaned over the sink and splashed cold water onto his face which relieved the sting at least a little.

Tonight was one of those nights he looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize the face staring back at him. Reasonably, it made sense that it was him, but it just  _ wasn't. _ He turned away from the mirror and made his way back out into the living block, making his way down the hall barefoot and watching his own feet as he walked towards the upright respite platform where he curled up with a snuggle plane, curling his toes into the cushions as Gamzee clunked around in the nutrition block making some sort of lunch.

"Gamzee?"

"Yeah, bro?" He heard him call from the nutrition block.

"Do you need any help?" Sometimes just having a task made him feel less out of place. At least gave him something to do while he tried to figure out just how his pan was playing with him tonight. 

"Nah, ain't much to be helpin' with. 'F you need work or somethin' I can find ya somethin' bro."

Karkat nodded his head a couple times before realizing that Gamzee couldn't see him from the nutrition block and he scooted over to the other side of the couch, "Yeah, I need something to do with my hands."

"Ablution block could always use a wipe-down. Don't go puttin' yourself out though, you hear me? You start feelin' shitty-like an' you come back in here."

He sighed and started to stand up, "I make no guarantees, but I'll try." It felt like all he could ever say. It's been happening so often these past few nights. He'll be fine and then he'll start doing something innocuous like rinsing his dishes and everything will come crashing down around him and he won't know where he is or what he's doing and it didn't  _ used _ to be this bad before the break in. He used to just get lost in his own thoughts and sometimes it felt shitty and he couldn't remember everything he'd done, but now it felt like he had whole giant chunks of memory missing and when he came out of them he couldn't remember where he was or what he was doing. 

Karkat made his way down the hall back to the ablution block and already it all felt far away and he knew that something was wrong, but he couldn't just sit on that couch or he was going to do nothing all night and feel useless and horrible and god knows when that would stop. 

The next thing he knew, he was pulling Gamzee's long hair out of the ablution trap drain with a pair of tweezers when they slipped out of his hands. His stomach sank like a rock and his eyes widened as they went clattering down the drain.

There was a moment of absolute panic, of trying to recount where he was, what he was doing, who he was with. Was this going to get him in trouble? Should he lie about it? If Hydrus found out he'd lost the tweezers down the drain he might shut him in the trunk at the foot of his platform again, kick it when he cried to be let out. He had to get the hair out of the drain though or he would know. He screwed up his face and reached down into the drain, feeling around with his fingers to start yanking hair out of the drain by hand, grimacing at the wads of slimy hair he pulled out of the drain and tossed into the trash receptacle by the load gaper. As soon as he finished that though, he sat in the tub, trying to recount just what it was he was supposed to be doing next. He'd cleaned out the drain. Was that all he was supposed to do? He was nervous to go back out and ask Hydrus what it was he was supposed to be doing, but a clap on the horns for forgetfulness was better than not doing something he was supposed to and no meals for the rest of the night. He braced himself and picked up the rag from the floor of the ablution trap and quietly walked through the hallway towards the nutrition block.

"Sir, I finished cleaning the drain is there-?"

It took him a moment of staring at Gamzee square in the face while he set out lunch on the table for him to start to pick up on the fact that something wasn't right. He furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to place it. Who was this? Where was he exactly? That was Gamzee. Gamzee wasn't under the water too, was he?

"Bro?"

"Gamzee?"

His eyes darted between the plates of food and Gamzee's face and then he glanced around at the nutrition block and pursed his lips together.

"Brother, I told a motherfucker to come back in here if shit started feelin' bad."

He frowned and set the rag down over the back of one of the chairs at the table, "You did? I- Where am I? This isn't-"

Gamzee reached out slowly for Karkat's shoulder, resting a hand there and squeezing firm, but careful, "You need a reality check?"

_ Reality check. _ He knew those words. He's heard them before. He's heard them before from  _ Gamzee. _ Karkat nodded quickly. Yes, he needed a reality check.

"You're in my hive," Gamzee explained, "You don't live with Hydrus no more. He sold you a little over two perigees ago. Your name is Karkat Vantas, but you don't like bein' called that as much lately. You  _ do _ like when I call you sweet nicknames, though. You're eight an' turnin' nine in a couple perigees. You're livin' here with me since you got outta slavery. The sweep is 2,814 an' you were cleanin' the ablution block a few minutes ago 'cause you wanted somethin' to do with your hands."

Slowly things seemed to piece together. Not in their entirety, he couldn't remember a lot of what he'd been doing for the last fifteen minutes or so, but at least the world around him didn't look so fuzzy and unrecognizable anymore and he moved to sit down at the table in the nutrition block, "You told me to come back if I started feeling… like this?"

"Yeah, bro." He sighed and sat down across from him, "You got any idea as to what's goin' on in your pan? Or at least what a motherfucker can do to help with it."

With a shake of his head, he started to pick at the food on his plate, "I don't know."

"Things weren't this bad before… brother, is there anythin' I can do to make it easier?"

Karkat shook his head again, "I don't know why it's flaring up so bad." He ran his hands through his hair and curled his fingers into fists, "I was doing so well before… All it took was one run in with assholes who treated me like property and I can't-" He gritted his teeth and shook his head. When he thought about it too hard he started either panicking or working himself up into a rage. 

A moment of silence passed between them before Gamzee spoke up, "Does bein' in the hive make it worse?"

His response didn't come immediately. He wasn't sure. He hasn't spent much time outside of the hive at all, let alone after the break in. He eventually shrugged his shoulders and started picking at his food, "I don't know. I haven't spent much time outside of the hive, so I don't know. I don't think it's the hive. I'm just-"

He'd felt like he had somewhere safe before, someone watching out for him, like he would be undisturbed in his healing, and now it felt like he'd gone backward in his processing. Gamzee couldn't protect him from everything and the world was an ugly place that would keep hurting him, even when he desperately needed respite from everything the universe decided to throw at him.

"I felt safe before."

* * *

terminallyCapricious [TC] opened memo "CoNcErNiNg KaRkAt" on board Secure Ship Chat

TC banned carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: I gOt SoMe ShIt I wAnNa GeT mY tAlKiN oN aBoUt

TC: DuNnO iF kArBrO lEt YaLl KnOw WhAt'S bEeN gOiN oN bUt SoMe MoSt UnRiGhTeOuS mOtHeRfUcKeRs Up An BrOkE iNtO tHe HiVe A cOuPlE wEeKs AgO

TC: hE's PuTtIn Up A tOuGh FrOnT bUt I dOn'T kNoW iF iT's GoOd FoR hIm To Be StAyIn HeRe NoT fEeLiN sAfE nO mOrE

TC: I dOn'T kNoW hOw To HeLp HiM hErE aN i JuSt ThInK iT's GoNnA bE bEtTeR fOr HiM tO bE sUrRoUnDeD bY pEoPlE wHo CaN tAkE cArE a HiM bEtTeR tHaN i CaN aN wItH lEsS wOrRy AbOuT mOtHeRfUcKeRs WhAt WaNnA hUrT hIm ShOwIn Up OuTtA tHe BlUe

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo

TA: have you talked two kk about thii2 yet?

TC: NoT yEt BuT i GoT a SeRiOuS wOrRy AlL mAkIn ItSeLf At HoMe In My PuShEr ThAt He'Ll SaY hE wAnTs To StAy JuSt CaUsE hE's WoRrIeD aBoUt Me An I dOn'T wAnT hIm To MaKe ThEm BiG pErSoNaL dEcIsIoNs BeCaUsE a Me

TA: ok look, ii thiink iit'2 a good iidea two get kk 2omewhere he ha2 a biigger 2upport network but that'2 2omethiing that'2 ultiimately gotta be up two hiim.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo

CC: I don't know, Sollux! It seems like it mig)(t be a good idea for )(im to come )(ere regardless! It doesn't )(ave to be a permanent t)(ing, but it sounds like it would be good for )(im to )(ave a little c)(ange of scenery!

adiosToreador [AT] responded to memo

AT: i DONT KNOW IT SEEMS A LITTLE,,, rUDE TO GO BEHIND HIS BACK WITH THIS SORT OF THING?

AT: eVEN IF IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR HIM?

AT: tHAT SAID! i THINK IT WOULD BE UHHH,,, rEALLY NICE TO SEE HIM!

AT: aND IT'S NOT REALLY LIKE WE'RE HURTING FOR SPACE AROUND HERE! wE'VE GOT ROOM!

caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo

CA: okay that shits all wwell an good but do wwe really think its a good idea to shovve him on a ship wwith twwo seadwwellers considerin all the bullshit hes dealt wwith from that hydrus asshole?

CA: kars barely talked to me at all since wwe got him back, wwhich i dont blame him for, but im just sayin it might not be a good idea to shovve him here wwhere hell havve to deal wwith fef an me

TC: HaViN fIvE sEtS a EyEs WaTcHiN oUt FoR a MoThErFuCkErS gOtTa Be BeTtEr ThAn OnE

TC: I cAn'T tAkE cArE a HiM hErE aN kEeP pEoPlE fRoM hUrTiN a BrOtHeR nO mOrE

TC: cOuLdN't EvEn PrOtEcT hIm In My OwN gOdDaMn HiVe An NoW hE's AlMoSt WoRsE tHaN wHeN wE fIrSt GoT hIm BaCk. He WaS mAkIn AlL sOrTs A lEaPs An MoThErFuCkIn BoUnDs BeFoRe An NoW hE's HaRdLy GoT a ClUe WhErE hE iS

TC: cOmEs BaCk FrOm DoIn SoMeThIn By HiMsElF tHiNkIn He'S sTiLl WiTh ThAt FuCkEr WhAt HuRt HiM aN tHeRe AiN't A dAmN tHiNg I cAn Do AbOuT iT

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo

AA: it sounds like he could use a little push! maybe just send him here on a trip for a couple weeks! ill be back sometime in the next perigee to stock up after all and itll be good to see him! it could be good for him to get out and about a little, especially around friends.

TC: ThAt WoUlDn'T bE pUtTiN yAlL mOtHeRfUcKeRs In No SoRtA dAnGeR wOuLd It? DoN't WaNnA pUt YaLl In A sTiCkY sItUaTiOn.

CC: It s)(ouldn't be a problem! We've got cloaking on t)(e s)(uttles and as long as we keep t)(e main s)(ip away from alternia its)(ellf we s)(ould be fine!

TA: make 2ure two actually get the go ahead from kk on thii2 liittle triip 2hebang?

TC: HeLl YeAh MoThErFuCkEr

TC: I'm HoPiN tHiS tRiP'lL hElP a BrOtHeR oUt SiNcE i CaN't

TA: ii gotta get off planet 2oon anyway, he could ju2t come wiith me when ii leave for a few week2.

TC: BiTcHtItS

TC: I'lL aSk A mOtHeRfUcKeR aBoUt It SoOn

TC: SeE iF wE cAn'T gEt HiM oUt To YoU gUyS fOr A wHiLe

CC: AW-ESOM----E!!! 38D

CA: keep us updated

TC: HeLl YeAh BrO

TC closed memo

* * *

It had taken a few nights for Karkat to feel at ease enough to sit in his block alone for longer than a few minutes, but part of the only reason he'd returned back here was that he'd finally decided to pick up his old sickles again. The weight of them was familiar but somehow heavier than he remembered them being when he was younger. Perhaps it came from sweeps of malnourishment only now beginning to recede, or perhaps it was simply from lack of practice. In his right hand he twirled one of his sickles. It felt so clumsy now. His fingers remembered the motions, but were unused to performing them with larger, weaker hands and arms.

Muscle memory is a powerful thing, though. Slowly reviewing each motion brought back the familiarity of it and as he repeated motions over and over, their fluidity returned little by little. He had to snicker a bit at the way his arms burned after only fifteen minutes or so of practice when he used to be able to fiddle with them for hours, used to be able to spar his lusus for going on half an hour. 

He would ask Gamzee to spar if he didn't think he would freeze up at the idea of trying to fend off a Highblood, but for now he was happy to reacquaint himself with his own body and his ability to fight. 

The light burn in his arms kept him tethered and the empowerment of wielding sharp blades again alleviated the ever-present weight of helplessness that pervaded his every night. He forgot how  _ good _ it hurt to move, to be active, to feel in touch with the body he's been so estranged from for the last three sweeps, even if it's just by swinging around sharp blades in a block by himself.

A knock at the door startled him from his training.

"Hey, brother. Can a motherfucker come in?"

Karkat tucked his sickles away into his sylladex and called back through the door, "Yeah, door's open."

Before any words left Gamzee's mouth, Karkat could tell something was—not wrong necessarily—but certainly not right. 

"What's going on?"

Gamzee's lips pressed together and his eyebrows furrowed as he pondered his words and the longer he pondered the more Karkat's stomach welled with anxiety.

"I was talkin' to everyone on the ship an' it sounds like we're all in motherfuckin' unanimous agreement that it'd be good to see if we can't get you out to visit the ship, at least for a few weeks."

"Oh." It… didn't seem so bad. He and Gamzee could probably use a little time to see friends, go somewhere together, "When are we leaving? Ascension's coming up in a perigee or two so probably soon right?"

"Sollux's headed to go join them all on the ship permanently in a couple weeks so I'm gonna drop you off with him an' he's gonna take you both off to the drop site where Fef's sendin' a shuttle or some shit to come pick a couple a brothers up."

"So," Karkat started, "You're not coming with?"

Gamzee shook his head, "Can't. Only got a little while 'fore Ascension an'... I wanna stick around." Karkat watched the way Gamzee shrunk in on himself, the way his claws bit into his stick-like arms, "Just in case Dad shows 'fore I leave." 

Karkat's pusher squeezed in his chest and he nodded. He had to admit that there's something eerie about the absence of a lusus and he couldn't help but feel guilty for leaving Gamzee here to wait alone. Maybe it would be good, though. Maybe it would be good to leave Gamzee alone for a while. Give him a break from having to deal with Karkat's issues on top of his own. 

"Are you gonna be okay here on your own?"

Gamzee nodded, giving a tight shrug of his shoulders, "Yeah, don't worry on a brother. S'posed to be so you can get up outta this hive an' around some motherfuckers what're gonna make a brother feel all that safe shit."

It was difficult to see the way Gamzee struggled. He never wanted to push for details Gamzee might not want to give, but Karkat  _ knew _ that he was hurting. He knew it from the way he caught Gamzee staring out the window at the beach. He knew it from the way he sometimes woke to Gamzee muttering in his fitful sleep. He knew it from the way that Gamzee plastered on a smile not only with paint in the evenings.

"You know," Karkat began, "This isn't a one-way moirailegiance. You get to ask me for help, too."

With a shake of his head and a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, Gamzee muttered, "My shit ain't as bad as yours. Ain't gonna ask a motherfucker for shit when he's got his own shit what needs dealin' first."

It landed like a punch to the gut and Karkat's eyebrows furrowed as he stared at his moirail in something that felt like betrayal, "How  _ broken _ do you think I am?"

Gamzee glanced up, eyes wide behind his paint, "What?"

"I said  _ how broken do you think I am,  _ Gamzee. Yes, I have an imperial fuck ton problems I'm trying to deal with, but being treated like I can't take care of myself doesn't exactly help the situation."

"I ain't never thought a motherfucker couldn't-"

Karkat let out a huff and crossed his arms over his chest, falling into step to pace back and forth across his block, "It  _ feels _ like you think I'm incapable of doing fucking  _ anything. _ Sure, sometimes that  _ is _ true, but does now seem like one of those times? When I'm having a bad day I'm practically catatonic. When I'm having a bad episode I'm like an entirely different person and it freaks me the  _ fuck _ out, but sometimes I'm doing okay! Sometimes I feel fine! Well-" He paused and gritted his teeth, "Maybe not  _ fine, _ but sometimes I'm functional and I want to feel like- like I bring something to this bullshit relationship aside from being a sad sack of shit who can't cope." He came to a stop in the center of the block and just stared down at his own feet for a few moments, eyes clenched shut, "Just… It hurts knowing that you're hurting and I can't help so much of the time just- let me help when I can."

For a long moment, all he could hear was the beating of his own frantic pusher in his chest. For a long moment, he worried that he'd gone too far, that he said something he shouldn't have and the longer that moment went on, the further his pusher sank into his stomach.

Eventually, though, Gamzee did speak up and he spoke so tentatively, "Don't wanna drive you away with the ugly shit what gets swirlin' up inside a motherfucker."

Karkat sighed and sank down to the floor, scooting himself back to sit against the wall, "You're not going to drive me away because you talk to me about the shit that's fucking with you."

Gamzee followed suit and sat himself down by the doorframe, "Best beloved, little shit like doin' dishes an' the sound a' your name's enough to fuck with ya. What about the big shit? What if I say somethin' an' it sends you off where even the messiah's can't say? I don't know how to bring you back from that shit. It's fuckin' terrifyin' to see you look so far away an' so fuckin' scared."

"It's terrifying feeling like that," Karkat mumbled, eyes downcast and arms wrapped tight around his knees, "But I want to help you, too. I don't want to push you if you just don't want to share, but I'm here for you, too." He let his eyes fall shut because he knew he couldn't say what he wanted to if he was looking Gamzee square in the face, "Maybe I just wanna pile you so good and hear about all the ways you're hurting so I can help take that pain and make it less. Maybe I want to feel in control for fucking once and maybe I want to hold you and take care of you because I'm so tired of just taking and taking and feeling like I'm just growing a debt and the universe is just going to cash in on it any fucking night now."

He could hear the way that Gamzee's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't look up at his moirail right now for how red in the face he felt, but he could certainly hear the way Gamzee shifted and he only hoped it was more excited than uncomfortable.

"That what this shit's about?"

Karkat groaned and knocked his forehead against his knees, "I mean- Not really? Just- Look, I don't like feeling like I'm contributing a whole lotta nothing to this whole fucking shitshow of a relationship we have, and also I really wanna make you feel good."

It was a whole pile of things that just grew and marinated into a delightful sensation of "I'm not good enough for fucking anyone or anything" and it was exhausting to deal with. Getting to take care of someone though? Getting to hold Gamzee and ensure that at least if he was eating Gamzee's food and living in his hive, he could make his moirail feel good would mean the goddamn world.

"Motherfucker that is the most goddamn round-about way to ask a brother to pile I ever heard with my own two messiah-given ears."

His moirail had no fucking subtlety and goddamn if he didn't adore him anyway.

* * *

Gamzee was so pliant when Karkat has his hands gentle over his cheeks, stroking his thumbs along the sharp line of his moirail's jaw. The sound that Gamzee made when the flats of his claws grazed so slow along his pulse made something in his pusher go all soft and gooey. The clown lay draped over the pile in his respite block; This was about  _ Gamzee _ and that meant using  _ Gamzee's _ pile. Karkat sat curled up beside his moirail, propped up on one elbow and using his free hand to caress Gamzee's rough gray skin. He trailed his knuckles gently over Gamzee's cheek, purring softly in the back of his throat and for a time that was all he did. He lie curled  up with his moirail, just touching and gentling and feeling and ever so slowly, as his hands explored all the soft spaces around Gamzee's neck and face. He could feel him going lax, melting back into the pile while Karkat paid such careful attention to his sweet moirail.

The gentle rhythm of Gamzee's breath rising and falling was so soft against his hands as he smoothed the pads of his thumbs over Gamzee's waxy face paint and he almost wanted to ask to take it off. Karkat saw though how eager Gamzee was to make him happy and right now this was for  _ Gamzee _ and he didn't want to ask for something he might not be comfortable with. 

"Gamzee?" He whispered finally, breaking the veil of silence.

"Hmm?" Came the soft hazy response.

"What do you want right now?"

The mass of limbs that was Gamzee Makara shifted in the pile and a hand reached blindly out and came to rest on Karkat's cheek.

"Motherfucker just wants to all up an' be motherfuckin' chilled an' gentled at like a brother's been doin' so good," He slurred, eyes blinking so slowly and happily like some sleepy meowbeast.

A smile split Karkat's face and he leaned down to press slow kisses over Gamzee's eyes, moving his hands to cup around his jaw and slide his fingers up into the mass of hair around the back of Gamzee's skull, scritching the tips of his claws into his scalp, "Well I think I can do that for you, no problem."

He planted a kiss on top of Gamzee's head just between his horns and the soft shuddering trill that Gamzee made went straight to his chest and he crooned in response, whispering into his moirail's hair, "You're okay. I've got you. Just tell me what you need. If you need to cry or talk or just sit quiet, we can do whatever you want."

It felt so  _ good _ to take care of Gamzee. It felt good to give and hold and press kisses over his palemate's soft painted face. Gamzee made this shuddering sigh and his voice came out so shaky, "Never knew a brother to be so fuckin' gentle at me."

It tugged at him. Even before Karkat disappeared, he and Gamzee hadn't ever been so soft to each other. It was always play fighting on the beach and rough housing to get the other pinned down and laughing as the winner got to place fast clumsy kisses all over the loser's face. It was scolding and unsure wriggler hands trying to give some comfort for things neither of them were old enough to completely understand about each other. It was playful "You're so stupid"s and "Oh shut up"s and Karkat had never been gentle with Gamzee before his world went to shit.

"You deserve gentle, Gamzee. And you deserve happiness, and to be taken care of. You deserve the universe and everything it has to offer." In the back of his pan, a quiet voice mumbled _ you deserve better than me, _ but this was about Gamzee, not him. He shut up that quiet guilty part of his pan and pressed his lips to his moirail's forehead, "I see all the things you do for me, and I see the ways you hurt sometimes, and I want you to know that you don't have to keep that shit inside all the time. Maybe I can't always help, but you can always  _ ask." _

Gamzee's fingers bunched in the back of Karkat's shirt as he buried his face against him. 

"Don't wanna put that shit on you, brother," He mumbled into his shirt, "You already got so much fuckin' unrighteous bullshit what you gotta deal with."

Karkat crooned low in the back of his throat, running his fingers once more through Gamzee's wild hair. His moirail kept so much inside, "Gamzee, it's not fair for me to take and take, while you do nothing but give. You shouldn't have to keep that shit inside."

He could feel his moirail quivering and when he spoke up again it came out tight, pinched off and wavering, "You take all you want, brother. 'S my fault we didn't get you back sooner-"

"It's not your fault," Karkat interrupted, tucking his head into Gamzee's hair, "Nothing that happened to me was your fault."

Gamzee shook his head, even as Karkat tried to sooth him out of his words, "My stupid ass didn't even figure out you were gone 'til it was too late. Couldn't even help get you back proper, had to leave it to them fishy fucks."

Karkat made a low, drawn out shushing sound and shook his head, holding Gamzee closer, "It wasn't your fault. Gamzee, none of that is your fault. I promise you that." And with one hand at Gamzee's scalp, scratching and gently massaging his fingers beneath his hair, Karkat asked him, "Why would you think that  _ any _ of the shit that happened to me was your fault?"

"I-" Gamzee started, "If I hadn't- If I weren't all fucked up on slime all the time maybe I woulda seen somethin' was wrong sooner. An' even when we did find where that most unrighteous fuckin' leech up an' took you off to- I couldn't do nothin'. Couldn't even go try to save you. Had to leave it to Eridan and Feferi to getcha back 'cause a motherfucker ain't made to up an' breathe water."

Gamzee shoulders quivered under his hands and he sniffled, tucking his head into Karkat's shirt,, "An' you was probably all jus' hopin' someone'd come help you an' I never motherfuckin' came. Left you all alone jus' wantin' for someone what'd help." And when he spoke again his voice came out a whisper, "Left you like that Old Goat."

It broke Karkat's pusher right in two and he shook his head, pulling away from Gamzee, sitting up a little straighter and cupping Gamzee's face in his palms, "Hey-" And when Gamzee's eyes remained downcast Karkat leaned down a little closer, "Hey, Look at me, okay?" 

His moirail's eyes lifted up to meet his own, glistening with a purple haze of tears.

"You didn't leave me. You didn't do anything wrong. And it wasn't your fault. None of those things were your fault. There was nothing you could do." Maybe Karkat  _ had _ felt abandoned. Maybe he'd felt that the people he called friends didn't really care about him, but that wasn't because of Gamzee. It was because of Hydrus. It wasn't because of anything his friends did or failed to do, "It was not your fault. I want you to say it for me. Can you do that, Gamzee?"

His moirail swallowed and nodded, clenching his eyes shut and finally sighing out, "It ain't my fault."

Pride bloomed in Karkat's chest and he smiled at him, smoothing his thumbs over Gamzee's cheeks, "That's right. Say it again."

This time the response comes faster, with more certainty, "It ain't my motherfuckin' fault."

"Again."

Gamzee bunched his fists in the back of Karkat's sweater and growled out, "It ain't my  _ fault." _

"Good." Karkat pressed a kiss to Gamzee's forehead and then lingered there with his lips still against his cool skin, "Very good. I'm so proud of you."

And he was. He was so proud of Gamzee and it felt  _ good _ to help lift this burden off his shoulders, even if only a little. He moved to wrap his arms around Gamzee's shoulders and settle back into the pile with him, holding him to his chest and rubbing one hand up and down his moirail's upper arm, "Hey."

Gamzee made a questioning sound in the back of his throat.

"Thanks for letting me take care of you."

With a wet snicker Gamzee shook his head, "Thanks for takin' care, best beloved. Pale as starlight for ya. "

Karkat smiled and reached up with his free hand to wipe away some of Gamzee's tears, "Pale for you too, Gamzee."

* * *

It was a nice cool night out when the two of them made the trek out towards the rendezvous point to meet Sollux, and Karkat for the life of him could not place whether the churning in his gut was excitement or nervousness. Probably a bit of both if he was totally honest with himself. 

Gamzee had helped pack up the majority of Karkat's belongings into the trunk of the wrecked, but somehow still functional scuttlebug and started them off towards their rendez-vous point with Sollux. The ride didn't take long at all, only an hour or so from Gamzee's hive they came to an all but abandoned wreck of a town, probably one of those old lowblood cities that had been completely flattened by various highblood attacks. The wind whistled through the desecrated urban jungle as Karkat lugged a large bag along behind him stuffed full with his unvaried selection of clothes, a few good books, his husktop, toiletries, other necessities, and a few blankets from his pile. 

It was an absolute godsend to see Sollux sitting on the standing half of what appeared to have once been a bench. Karkat sprinted toward him, dragging his bag along behind him, he'd made it nearly to where the technicolor asshole sat typing away on his stupid husktop, and then caught his foot on the curb of the sidewalk and promptly face-planted about four feet away from his old friend.

Sollux glanced up from his husktop, raised an eyebrow, and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose looking all too smug for his own good, "Nice to see you too, KK."

"Fuck you." Karkat pushed himself up from the curb, glancing down at his scuffed up hands, wincing at the stinging and small beads of red welling up on his palms, "Fucking fantastic start to this trip." He picked up his toppled bag as Gamzee came running up behind him.

"You good, bro?"

Karkat wiped the blood off his palms and onto his pant legs, "Yeah I'm fucking  _ fantastic. _ I just love eating shit on the nastyass pavement. One of my favorite goddamn pastimes. Guess I can thank the universe for making this shit happen."

Sollux rolled his eyes behind his dual-colored glasses, "Yeah or you could thank your shitass coordination, idiot."

He picked up the bag he'd dropped and grumbled something about "assholes with bullshit powers" before sighing and turning to look up at the night sky, "So is Feferi sending us a ship or are we having to hitch-hike our way off-planet."

Sollux pulled out his palmhusk, glancing down at it and then tucking it back into his pocket, "FF's sending a cloaked pod. It should be undetectable as it comes through the atmosphere, but I've also jammed the majority of imperial signals in the area so we should be able to get off-planet completely undetected. Pod's supposed to get here in the next five minutes according to the schedule FF sent."

With a nod, Karkat turned to Gamzee, "You're sure you don't wanna come with?"

Gamzee sighed and gave a nod, "Yeah, beloved. Got shit here a brother's gotta all up an' get his attention onto."

"I'll call you, okay?" Karkat reached out to hold onto one of Gamzee's hands, squeezing it, "And dipshit, you can call me if you need something too, alright?" He hoped that while he was away Gamzee wouldn't be afraid to call him. It would be nice to hear from his moirail while he's visiting. And more than that, some small scared part of his pan worried that Gamzee might just want him out of his hive. A small part of himself that he constantly reminds himself is irrational worries that he's overstayed his welcome somehow. 

"That sounds mighty fine, beloved. You let me know when y'all get yourselves there safe." Gamzee smiled, squeezing Karkat's hand back.

Sollux started to roll his eyes, but then the loud rumbling of a shuttle landing sounded overhead. The ground tremorred as an unassuming black shuttle came plummeting down. It slowed its decent as it approached the pavement of the wrecked Alternian city, coming to a halt before landing with a resounding  _ thud. _ After sharing a glance with Karkat and Gamzee, Sollux stood up from the bench and started over toward the shuttle, "If you two are done being gross at each other, that looks like our cue to get the fuck out of here."

Karkat's cheeks flushed and he squeezed Gamzee's hand tighter before hurrying off after Sollux, "What, can't handle a little PG affection?"

He could hear Sollux snort as he climbed into the shuttle, "What, can't handle a little teasing?"

_ Can't handle a little teasing? _

Karkat's smirk faltered a moment. It caught him off guard for only a moment. Just a split second where he stopped, reminded that his life wasn't as rosy as he sometimes let himself believe it was, and then he shook his head, huffed, and carried his bag on board, "Be careful, I'm not always functional enough to take a joke." He laughed, trying to make it sound like something said in jest, but it's true. Some nights he's not in a place where he'd be able to handle Sollux making jabs at him.

Sollux's smile also dropped off his face for a split second before returning and he snorted, laughing and starting to check over the shuttle controls, "Duly noted." It may have been presented casually, but the quick glance that Sollux shot him said otherwise. 

A shadow fell over the doorway as Gamzee moved to lean over the entrance to the shuttle and Karkat came back out to the edge. He leaned over the ledge of the shuttle's opening to pull Gamzee in for a hug. It wasn't always easy to let Gamzee touch him, but he wasn't going to see him for a number of weeks, so he wrapped his arms around Gamzee's middle and pressed his face into his chest, "I'll see you in a perigee or two."

"Yeah, beloved," Gamzee's arms wrapped around Karkat's shoulders and he sighed into Karkat's hair, "See you in a perigee." 

With that, Karkat let go and stepped back into the shuttle, pressing the close button on the shuttle door commands and offering Gamzee a smile as the door descended. Gamzee turned and made his way safely away from where the shuttle would be taking off to avoid the blast of fuel as it lifted off into the sky. 

Karkat hurried into the cockpit with Sollux, strapping himself in so that they could start the shuttle. Sollux flipped a few switches, input a new set of coordinates to the controls, and then pressed a big green button and all the shuttle doors locked. The base of the shuttle rumbled and an enormous force began to press down into Karkat's chest as the shuttle accelerated up into the atmosphere.. 

Soon the pressure of the accelerating shuttle relented and Karkat turned properly to get a look at the planet as they blasted off into space. With one hand on the glass of the shuttle window, Karkat watched as the whole gray and purple lit mass of alternia turned so imperceptibly slowly below the shuttle. 

"Good riddance," Karkat mumbled to himself. Maybe he'd been hesitant to leave without Gamzee, but there's something therapeutic about leaving Alternia behind. Like he might just be able to leave behind everything that had happened to him there with the planet. 

It'll be good to see some old friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Please bear with us as we write this fic, the writing and editing process for this story is long and grueling so please be patient with us as we work to adapt this story we've worked on together for the last couple years.


End file.
